Quiet Moments c.l.

Lonely

Bahrain was our next race.

I had talked to Pascale some more since she told me she knew. She was trying to get me comfortable and okay with talking to the boys.

I entered the Ferrari paddock and was met with a disgusting sight.

Julia was hung on Charles arm.

Yuck.

I kept my hood up and my head down, keeping my presence unknown. Everyone knew I wouldn't speak to them. No matter how much they tried they knew I wouldn't speak.

Charles was talking to his engineer and discussing the car for the race and fucking Julia stood there acting like she knew what was going on.

As I walked past them I felt eyes on me. I didn't look though.

"Babe you better beat whoever that is. Weirdo." Without even looking I shot her a bird over my shoulder.

"Excuse you. Charles he just shot me a bird. Aren't you gonna do something." She whined. It made me nauseous.

I laughed, but in my own head this time.

"I didn't see it can you please just stop I'm trying to talk to him about my car. Go to the deck or something. I don't fucking know." His anger broke through his voice. It made me happy to hear him yell at her.

But it also made me feel bad as I watched from the corner of my eye as he drug his hands through his hair in an attempt to calm himself. I knew he was stressed out.

I just wanted to hug him and tell him how proud I was of him. But I couldn't.

He hates me and I'm supposed to hate him too.

But I don't. Not even a little bit.

I enter my driver room as he continues talking to his engineer.

My mind was clouded with thoughts about him finding out and him hating me even more.

I took out the bag of food I had stuffed into my backpack. McDonalds was todays sponsor.

After some chicken nuggets and fries along with one of those weird little pie things. Ugh heaven.

I sipped on the coke as I watched the live stream of the track and pit stops.

Eventually I had to turn it off because Julia had returned to Charles and it was sickening to watch.

I sighed and tried to let my mind stop the whole process of getting to worked up.

I got suited up and made sure everything was good to go.

It was qualis today and I had been running good all weekend.

*****

After my runs I advanced to Q3 and placed p3 not bad, I'll have to over take some in the race tomorrow but that's what makes a good race.

I made it back to my stupid fucking drivers room and changed into my normal hidden outfit and made a B line to the exit and headed to the car.

It kind of sucks when there is no one to celebrate with. I never get to interact with anyone. The only time I get to actually talk is on the radio since there's a voice changer on it.

As bad as I want to tell everyone who I am and come out of fucking hiding I just can't do it yet.

My anxiety held me back from being happy like most times in my life. I'm still taking my medicine like normal and I feel like I could start getting better.

At least I have a reason to wake up.

Though I do want to talk to a Charles.

There is supposed to be pretty heavy rain tomorrow and I'm a bit nervous.

The other drivers have been a bit cold on the track and do not hesitate to push me off. It's the race world I guess it's just scary.

***

Once in my hotel room, I took a quick shower and climbed into bed. I didn't even bother ordering dinner. I just want to sleep.

I curled up and silently cried myself to sleep. That was my normal routine. If I didn't cry now I would feel like crying during the day. I get it all out now and then during the day I feel nothing.

I had a love hate relationship with sleep. Some nights I would sleep like a baby, but others I was miserable.

My body aches, my nightmares roar through my head, I get physically ill some nights because I get such violent shakes.

My nightmares are mainly racing. Pretty much Jules wreck plays through most of my dreams.

Sometimes it's his wreck, then others it's Charles who in the car and I can't help any of them. Sometimes I'll even seen Arthur in there and it makes me skin go cold.

I've already lost Jules to the sport we love and I know he regrets nothing and that's how it should be but the thought of losing Charles or Arthur is just unbelievable.

My soul would die with them if they left me.

I had to make things right. I will talk to Charles after the next race. I will explain everything then.

I woke up and continued to the race. I placed p4, no podium. My tyres got fucked and my pit crew decided to stick their heads up their asses for some reason.

Charles got p2 which I was very proud. He was making great progress in the constructors championship.

Once again, I returned to my room following the same boring routine. Everyday it's the same thing.

It's lonely by myself.

Next race.

Everyone will know that I'm A.J. Castellanos.