Sagas

{1} A new beginning ~ P

September, 2016

I never expected it to be easy. I knew it was going to be hard, and I made up my mind long before I crossed the golden gates of Excel High to accept whatever change this school would bring. Anything was better than being in that hell hole, and if the flames were hotter here, then at least I would burn alone. I looked at the patterns the rain made on the windows of this absurdly large reception room, hoping that if I concentrated hard enough, it would clear my mind a bit, but it wasn't working. I still felt empty, and I still felt the fear I had lived with all these years thriving inside of me.

I wouldn't be this anxious if I had slept peacefully last night, but sleep and I are enemies. We stopped being friends when I was eleven, and ever since then, my nightmares have found a way to haunt me at night and consume every second of my waking life.

Everyone said I would be fine. They thought this was God's will and his way of saving me. My therapist told me not to overthink. She said the change of environment would help me a great deal. I knew my parents were happy for me; Mom smiled a lot more since the letter arrived, and Dad, who rarely spoke to me, said more words to me than he had done in five years. He even looked me in the eyes, which meant more to me than all the things he didn't say.

I could tell they were happy for me, but I also knew what being away from them meant. In some ways, I would give them some space to breathe, and my absence would take some of their guilt away. The incident changed us all. Nothing was the same after our world shook, and I wondered how they would feel to be away from me, if they would miss me or feel relieved, but I would certainly miss them. I wished they would stop blaming themselves because I didn't blame them anymore.

I wasn't exactly someone a lot of people would miss, mostly because I didn't have friends back home or anywhere else. I used to be social, but that was so long ago that I don't even remember when the change began, but unlike me, Fabian never changed. He remained a sun till the end, shining more and more every day, effortlessly drawing people to himself. We were both stars, but I gradually lost my light. Little by little, I faded away until I became only a reflection of him. He was the reason I survived all those years when bits and pieces of my spirit were cracking up. He was the only one who saw when no one else even noticed when my light began to dim and I was being dragged down into a pit that was dug right under our roof. He knew and never left my side. He held on to me and fed me his energy, and because of him, I was able to live. When he left, he took with him the light, the energy, and the zeal to live, leaving me all alone in total blackout. What is a star without its light and energy? Absolutely nothing! My absence would do a lot of people more good than you would ever know, a fact most people didn't bother hiding.

Leaving home was like breaking through the surface of a river. I felt like I could breathe again for the first time in five years, and I felt like I could finally be free from my biggest demon, the man who destroyed my world. He had dressed in sheep's clothing and won the hearts of everyone, including my parents, over the years. That was the reason it was almost impossible to believe when the beast showed his claws. No one could wrap their fingers around how the gentle and peaceful Timi could commit such atrocities. But I had known Timi was no lamb for a long time. I knew him way too well. He was the devil I knew as a child and each day I woke up with him in that house, was nothing but torture.

The fact that he had not shown up after all these years should have put my mind at ease, but that was not the case. I constantly felt like he was watching me, waiting for me, and would return one day to finish what he started. But getting that acceptance letter gave me hope, and I could make it work if I tried hard enough. I could start all over on a clean slate here, knowing that I was in a place safer than home, where he would never find me. The gates and fences of this school were way too high, and the security was way too tight for him to slip in, as he slipped into my parents' lives way before I was born and into our lives after we were born, then ripped his way into my mind. Timi would not get me here.