"I want to be an engineer."
I am good at math compared to those who are the same age as me and people praised me for that. It felt good to receive compliments as a 10-year-old so why not pursue something to please those who gave you compliments to receive more. I lost interest in math— well maybe not, I just don't get it anymore.
"I want to be a scientist."
I developed this love for science when i was thirteen.
I was so curious about the galaxies, microorganisms,
the telescope itself and by many more. In 10th grade it became too complicated so I lost my passion for it.
"I want to be a social scientist."
"I want to be a paralegal."
"I want to be a psychologist."
"I want to be a—"
Wait.
What do I want to be when i grow up?
I can't think of anything.
I don't know anymore.
I don't have a passion for anything and i clearly don't excel at anything anymore. I was so focused on what I wanted to be in the future that I lost track of the present.
I lost my will to learn— and my will to dream.
I am really afraid.
Where is the "genius kid" i used to be?
Where is the passionate and dream-driven teen I used to be?
I used to be good at something, but now—
I know how to do math but I can't solve all of it with little to no mistakes anymore,
I know how to play chess but I can't even defeat a 7th grader who really knows how to strategize,
I know how to write but i don't even have my own writing style.
I know something but clearly, I'm no good at anything. I just know something.
Am i still the same person?
Maybe it is not just my passion and my will and my dream that I lost.
Did I also lose myself?
I am really confused on what's happening with me and my mind.
I am surrounded by nothing but darkness
I feel like I was being pulled rock bottom by someone.
I feel like I was being choked by someone.
I feel like I know that "someone."
Is it—
Am I trying to choke myself?
Am i pulling myself down?
Not only that I lost passion,
Not only that I lost myself,
Not only that I lost my will,
I lost.
I lost my everything and everyone.
I lost my path.
There is no path to take anymore,
There's just nothingness.
