Everything i Can't Say

all too soon

Quick trigger warning! This is a very graphic and detailed memory of sexual abuse! Do not read if you will get triggered by it!

When people ask me when my trauma started I say
from the moment I opened my eyes. And you might
think okay that's a bit dramatic or won't believe me but
my mom always told me that she became obsessed
with me when she saw my eyes open. And I didn't
think that was true. I know now how true that really
was. She would always tell me that when I opened my
eyes she couldn't look away and neither could anyone
else. How people would offer her money to take me.
That when I was born my eyes were purple and big.  I
used to think she was just being a tad bit extra. Clearly
no one would offer money for someone's newborn child. Until she started taking the money I guess. But I can't blame it all on my mom. My dad had a huge part of this too. I can remember being very young and a tall dark figure looking over my crib. Leaning closer and the words "shh. It's going to be okay." Being whispered in my ear then my brain blocks that memory. Then maybe 2 or 3 or 4 we moved. This time my sister was raping my brother. I didn't understand completely what was happening. But I knew it was wrong. Once they saw I was awake my sister said "come try this ***a. It's so fun." I didn't want to so I shook my head no. I didn't really talk as a child. "Don't be a baby. It's fine. And it doesn't even hurt." I climbed out of my play pin/crib and walked over. She instructed me to take my pants down and lie down. My brother was on the bed. Me the floor. So I did. He started to enter me and did. It hurt and tears pricked my eyes. I shook my head and got up fast pulling my pants up with me. I hated it and felt disgusting. I ran back to my playpen/ crib and got in. Just in time for my dad to catch them. I pretended to be asleep knowing he'd hurt us. Hurt me if I was awake. I remember him taking them into the bathroom to "woop" them but I know deep down that's not what happened. He came out the bathroom. They didn't. His belt was unbuckled and pants unzipped. I quickly closed my eyes so he wouldn't see me. He always saw. He closed the bedroom door and came to my playpen. That shadow I was talking about earlier?  Was back. This time I knew who it was. He knelt down and kissed me and said. "***a, I know your not sleeping." And his hands came down to the playpen and that's all I remember. I remember hearing the neighbors through the wall after. They didn't care. Or they didn't understand what they heard. But they were laughing. Or maybe it was my parents I heard. I can't remember.

Hello butterflies 🦋. If any of you are or have felt with this to any extent, your not alone. It wasn't your fault. You are stronger then your trauma. Stronger then the memories. Don't give up. And keep fighting one more day. I'm here to listen whenever you need kiddos. You have a judgment free kinda ear here.  ♥.