Kitty

Don't Fall Asleep

A/N This part--PART IV--takes place in the past. 

Emily Daniels didn't believe herself to be anything special. She was small for her age, had always been, and she had a baby face she wished would grow more into itself. Whenever she looked in the mirror and saw the image of a third-grader staring back, she'd turn away in disgust. That the others seemed to be growing into older bodies while she remained unchanged was intensely frustrating, and yet she'd never let on, even to her mother or sister, how much her lack of development depressed her. Skin and bones—she was skin and bones. All leg on one end and stick figure on the other. Her eyes were too big for her head, her head was too big for her body, and her body was too small for the styles she wanted to wear and the impressions she wanted to make. "Cute" and "charming" and "sweet" and other similar words the others used to describe her served only to humiliate her further, to solidify her self-image as a baby, a child—a little girl who'd never grow up, never be anything but adorable.

It wasn't how she wanted to be, at fourteen. The girls in the music videos and magazines and television shows were hot. Sexy, even. That's what she wanted to be, but she was too embarrassed to admit it. Her mother would never buy her the sort of clothing she wanted to wear, and she wouldn't have had any sort of figure to fit into it anyway; it was a good thing she had a school uniform and all the girls were to some degree equalized. At least that way, no one would realize how many kitten and unicorn sweatshirts her mother kept trying to dress her in. She was growing up, for God's sake! and yet, her physical attributes fooled everyone. Put her in one of those sweatshirts and any stranger would surely think her in grade school, not almost high school.

As if nature wished to add insult to injury, Emily's younger sister, Kate, was changing faster than she was. Why, Kate had started her period that fall, and she was developing breasts! At twelve—twelve! If Kate applied some makeup, she'd pass for sixteen.

Oh, the unfairness of it.

Her friends didn't know. Danielle and Joanna and Helen and anyone else at school—no, none of them thought of her as anything other than what she'd always been to them: the class baby, the class sweetheart.

She was so tired of that persona, and yet she didn't know how to escape it. Emily couldn't turn around overnight. There were well-established roles already. Danielle was the queen bee, the one everyone listened to; Joanna was the beauty and the brains; Helen was the good girl, the one all the teachers loved. And Anjulie? The new girl? God, she was so cool. So different, so interesting with her shimmering black hair and her painted nails, the studs she wore up her ears until the principal had made her take them out. Even in the obligatory uniform, Anjulie exuded a certain rebellion. Emily had wanted to attach herself to Anjulie right away. Maybe the new girl could help her find a few ways to look a little more mature, some subtle ways no one would tease her for.

The way things were now, Emily did have a sort of immunity against teasing, unlike the poor kids everyone had been crucifying for their unfortunate aspects since around third grade, when differences became too noticeable to ignore. She wasn't even like the few girls who'd recently listened to the wrong music or liked the wrong person and earned themselves a ticket to no-friends-land. Nobody ever laughed unkindly at Emily. Everyone, even the cute boys, were comfortable talking with her. She was loved by all, friend of all—and she hated it. She knew the congeniality stemmed from everyone's impression of her as some steadfast little sister, someone to remain always a pal while they all went on growing into bodies ripe for exploration and engaging in experimental activities. Who'd want to explore or experiment with her? No, no . . . they'd exclude her, not out of any unkindness but out of some false sense of obligation, of protection. It was already happening. Why, the only person who wanted to do anything with her was Danielle, and Danielle was . . . was something close to sad. Emily had begun to grow increasingly depressed around her.