it felt cruel to watch you slowly distance yourself from me. what once was staying up late to talk to each other, shared laughs on a game, turned into cold indifference as you walked away from me, again.
you knew what you were doing, didn't you? you knew you didn't mean the words you said that day. a promise to go to college together. to finally rid of that empty loneliness that we've both felt since childhood.
your pale hands holding mine as we talked about getting high under the stars, keeping a fridge stocked with your favorite sugary drink. and a plan to have a small fish tank in our shared space.
it only took you two months to show me that you lied . my heart already broken from the boy with the orange cat, the way you bluntly admitted to having feelings for someone. those feelings being the end of our "plan" for the next year.
i was ready to give it all up. to go and be with you like we always said we would be since we were small.
i couldn't hide the pain i felt in that moment. i ran. i ran for as long as i could until i felt i didn't care anymore. "didn't care" was a lie, seeking comfort in my blade almost every night. the tears that would fall and the scars that would multiply on my thighs. i've always been a horrible liar.
i knew it was over when i returned. your responses growing smaller and smaller by the day, the only times you would say more than a few words to me was when you felt the urges to make yourself feel good.
what a sick joke. the very thing that made up our childhood was the only thing keeping our fading "friendship" from finally snapping.
but i've grown tired of the way you look at me. the way your hands reach under my clothes and onto my bare skin. i wanted more. i wanted to call you a friend like i once did, years ago.
i knew you wouldn't and couldn't give that to me. your dismissive words being the final push to leave you, again. i know you will come looking for me in six months when your life falls apart again. but this time i won't listen to your cries.
i thought you changed. i thought it could be different this time. but you blame me for not waiting on you. waiting for something that will never go back to how it was.
i've grown older now, a stark 17 in comparison to my weak and feeble self at just 12, when i first started this game with you.
forgive me for having enough of your lies, enough of the way you use me and discard of me once you find something new for yourself. goodbye, i would've wished for a better future with you.
