~promises~ (zukka AU)

chapter 13

zuko's pov

i'm a horrible person. i can't erase his expression from my brain, no matter how hard i try. i hurt him because i'm a piece of shit that can't get a grip of his emotions. i shouldn't care about his feelings, i'm supposed to hate him...

who am i attempting to fool? i could never hate him. the one that fuels my anger is none other than myself. my actions, my thoughts, the words that come out of my mouth, even the breaths i take are to be loathed.

truth is, i am scared. i am terrified of him getting close to me and having power over my emotions. i'm not built for maintaining relationships and i've come to peace with the idea of rotting away by myself, waiting for each day to pass as the one before. he's been interfiering with that. he shakes me to my core, makes me delusionaly believe that i am worth something, that i can be happy and actually enjoy living. that i am more than i actually am.

that's why i try my hardest to push him away, but why is he always bouncing back? he shouldn't do that, it's not worth it and he forces me to hurt him in the process.

no. me hurting him is not his fault, but only mine. i am miserable and i'm the only one to blame for that, so why do i insist on making everyone else miserable too? so they can share the pain with me when it's not theirs to bear?

why can't i function like a normal person? why... why does it have to hurt all the time? i'm tired... i'm just so tired.

i get to my appartment through a daze and the first thing i do is plop on the couch. i cry so much my face goes numb and i secretly wish for my eyes to pop out of their sockets so my brain could leak through the holes.

⚠️warning: self harm

the collar of my shirt is suffocating. i take it off and throw it away on the floor. my heart aches to the point of making me nauseous. i press my chest with my fist and i try to rub away the pain, but no matter how hard i do it, nothing changes. i try scratching my skin instead, attempting to dig a hole in my chest so i can finally take my heart out and throw it away... pointless.

i look at my arms, covered in tattoos and scars and some wounds that are yet to be fully healed. i press them and scratch them repeatedly until they open up again and i get some sense of relief. it's a familiar feeling, comforting, safe... and addicting.

i jump to my feet and scan the kitchen. knife. i grab one and squeeze the handle until my knuckles turn white. it feels good. powerful. like i could do anything i wish for. i look at the blade and it's grinning at me with sharp teeth, like the not-so-old friend it is. i smile back. it would be so easy to just drive it in my stomach, mix up my intestines real good and bleed out on the floor. i picture it in my head over and over again and all i feel is relief. but i'm too much of a coward to do such a thing.

⚠️end of warning

hearing some banging sounds on my door pulls me from my thoughts. it keeps getting faster and louder, more desperate. if i won't open it, then whoever is responsible for them will have to stop eventually, right?

i don't realise how dark it is in this appartment until the front door burst open and light floods in. sokka is standing in the doorway, panting and staring right at me. i drop the knife like i've just been caught red-handed doing something illegal.

"what the...? did you just barge into my appartment without my permission?"

i must've forgot to lock the door. what is he doing here? isn't he sick of me already, after all the trouble i've put him through? he turns on the light switch and i squint my eyes.

"shit. zuko..." the panic in his voice is deafening. "your-" he stares at my chest, then at my arms, then at the knife on the table.

i look down and see that my forearms are smeared with some blood from the wounds i opened earlier. he approaches me slowly, like i'm some scared animal that's about to run away.