LIGHTWEIGHT

Chapter 4: Shame

We all keep secrets. It's part of life. Some secrets are more important than others. But at first, we think we lie for good reasons. We think that the truth would hurt more and that it's an unnecessary evil. Or maybe we have things we want to hide because we're afraid of how people will react.

When we lie, it's usually not ourselves that we want to preserve. It's everyone else around us. It's also the consequences that we don't want to face. For example, a kid can lie to his parents about a bad grade he had in class. A girl can lie when her friend asks her if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat. A man can lie to his wife about the reason why he keeps working late hours at his office.

I remember lying to my brother when his cat died five years ago. I said he had simply left the house one day because unfortunately we had forgotten to close the front door.

My mom just lied to me this morning when she said I look in better shape lately. It's not a big deal but it makes me sad and a little upset. She doesn't want to accept the fact that I will never truly be okay again. And it's not just because of Jade. I have so many other issues but it's like she's trying to ignore them. I know it's hard for her to see her girl struggling but if she can't accept it, she'll never be able to understand me.

No, mom, I'm not doing better and that's okay because I'm still alive and trying to work things out. I know I'm not the most opened person in the world and I don't like talking about myself. I lie to my mom when I say I'm fine because I know it's what she wants to hear. But some days, I just can't. It's not doing her or me any favor. It's just trying to cover a leak and hope that it will be fixed. And I have a lot of swing moods. I say everything and its opposite. And today, I'm just pissed off so yeah, deal with it.

Some people think lying and keeping secrets are not the same. Secrets are about forgetting some details when telling something. It's not really a bad thing. What we don't know can't hurt us right?

I disagree. Secrets can destroy lives. They can be the reason for a break up or they can come between you and your friends. The thing with secrets is that you can never keep them secret for long. And when the truth comes out, it's not pretty.

One of my biggest problems is that I myself am a great liar. It honestly comes naturally to me. I never want to let people in because I'm afraid that once they get a true feeling of who I am, they'll run the other way. And it's not that I have trust issues, I just know that everyone is full of crap.

No one is ever really who they say they are. Nowadays we have to read between the lines to see people in the right light. It's easier that way to see who you can let in and who you know is not worth it. The ones who really care will try to figure you out. They won't take no for an answer.

Pushing people away is a typical way to see who's still there when you give them every reason to leave. It's how we protect ourselves from hurting. We just want to be in control. When you get hurt so much, you don't want to keep opening your heart to people. They have to deserve it. So that when the time comes for you to get hurt again, because you let your guard down, well at least you know it was real. That it wasn't all for nothing.

For me it's hard to accept that sometimes. Because even when I know I've made the right decision to let people inside my life, I still put myself at risk. And that's scary because I never know if I can trust my own judgment. I follow my instinct but I can never be sure and I always think about the worst that could happen before something even starts. You know, it's that fear of failure or deceiving the people around you. But mostly, I don't want to let myself down.

I've made that mistake in the past because I was lost and confused. I feel everything so much more than other people. When I'm happy, I'm really happy. And every small gesture is a big deal for me. A simple smile or someone paying attention to me can really light up my day. And when I'm sad, I'm really sad. That usually happens without people realizing it. Like when someone doesn't answer one of my texts or when they don't say hi to me when I see them at the grocery store. Maybe you'd feel upset too in the moment. But for me, it could take me down for days. I'm unpredictable like that and everything has an impact on me because I just feel things differently.