LIGHTWEIGHT

Chapter 6: Truth

In the next few weeks, I'm learning to know myself more. I keep asking more questions to Dr. Larkin and I think I am maybe starting to understand. Up until now, it didn't make sense to me. None of what happened seemed fair. But then again, life is never fair. It gives you something you love and then it takes something else back without asking. When you think you have it all together, that's when life will test your limits and see how much you can really take before breaking.

I have been going through hell for a long time now and every time I try to get better, something else happens and takes me down. And it's hard to see the end of it. You picture it, you know you want to get there, but it's every time you take a step closer, the way out gets further and further away. You feel trapped.

Jade hated feeling like a second choice. She wanted to be number one in people's lives. I think one of her biggest fears was unrequited love. She hated the idea that she could one day be disposable and replaceable. She was obsessed with the idea of being essential, vital to someone's life and personal fulfillment.

It was especially the case with Theo for some reason. She did everything in her power to get him in her grip. It's like what happens with certain species of pipefish. Ok, I know it's a weird comparison but here me out. In some types of pipefish, it's the female who actively goes after the male. And once she's set her mind on one, she sticks her eggs onto her chosen mate. But that's not all. After that she can still swim off to find another partner while the poor little chosen one spends time nourishing the eggs.

I do not pity Theo, who would be the chosen one in this comparison, cause he's still a jerk no matter what. Jade on the other hand fits perfectly this description. She wasn't a cheater but she was definitely never satisfied.

"Why did you even take those pictures and send them to him?"

"I don't know Carter, I just felt like I always had to compete with others to get his attention. No matter what I said or did, he'd always distance himself at some point."

"Don't tell me the kiss was part of the reasons why you did it?"

"As twisted as it sounds, I think it did play a part in it. I mean the fact that he specifically kissed you really messed up with me. He was flirting with you before we started dating. And he was still kind of doing it while we were actually together. In a more playful way but still, that shit hurts you know. And to top it all you're my best friend. The fact that he had the balls to kiss you, knowing that I could easily find out, drove me insane. I really felt like I was the problem and my one and only goal after that was to prove him wrong. To make it crystal clear to him that he should never dare to do that again. I became the incarnation of sex appeal in the next couple of weeks. And so yeah, the pictures just made sense in the moment. I was trying so hard to convince both of us that we were meant to be together. It had to be undeniable."

"Did you ever think that it was actually the opposite? That you were never meant to be together in the first place?"

"No, I didn't. It's like I was trapped in this fantasy world I had created around the two of us. I was in complete denial and I was into deep with this."

The truth can't always save you. Sometimes it's just too late and other times, it just doesn't prevent you from falling. You think it will set you free, that you'll be able to start over once you let it all out. But when you live a lie for so long, you just become the lie. And telling the truth won't help you. You've let everyone think something for so long that it doesn't matter anymore.

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."

-Oscar Wilde

I, myself, don't know how to stop it. It's a defense mechanism and as much as I am trying to break through it, I can't. I guess it will take time, but at least I am still trying. I know it's a real issue but now that I have found more reasons to open up a little, I have to fight against it.