LIGHTWEIGHT

Chapter 5: Loneliness

I come back on campus around 8:15 pm and hang out with Marissa in her room. It's small but cozy and they are posters everywhere on the walls. Mostly of bands and some movies. It looks like Marissa's roommate is into Sci-Fi and punk rock music as I recognize a few Spielberg movies and a poster of the band The Clash.

Sometimes I do wonder what college life is really like. Maybe I am missing out, maybe it is something everyone should experience in life. But for now, it's not an option and I have to focus more on getting my shit together rather than on partying or being stressed because of finals coming up. I have to accept that my mental health comes first and for that reason, college is a bad idea for me.

I am watching Marissa apply some red lipstick. She looks gorgeous and the dress she is wearing really hugs her curves perfectly. I think about how she didn't use to pay attention to her look back in high school. I mean, she always looked fine but didn't really put any work into what she was wearing or how her hair was falling down. Now, things are a little different. I guess college is a great experience for her. She can take all the courses she wants, find people to relate to and just fit in. She's finally surrounded by the right people and it has a huge impact on her. She doesn't feel so self-conscious now and her ideas, her values and more generally her voice is validated.

I am happy for her. She deserves to find her happy place and grow from that. But I can feel she is slowly drifting away from me and it makes me sad. I understand because who would like to be stuck with me when they can hang out with cool college kids. She never says anything and when I joke about how she is getting tired of me, she always reassures me and tell me that I'm crazy. But I know things are starting to change and I have to let her take her space.

When you find yourself in a position like mine, people in your life will come and go. They keep moving on with their lives while you're just stuck where you are and let it all pass your way without moving. What you have to realize is that people are not going to wait for you. If you miss the train, well, that's too bad but no one will sit next to you and wait for the next one to come.

Once you step out a little to catch your breath, the pack will continue running and cross the finish line without you.

We all need our time to deal with life and whatever comes in the way. Some take more time than others but it doesn't mean that they should give up. We just need to hold on, one day at a time, step by step. And if you encounter obstacles along the way, well who knows, maybe someone will be there to give you a hand.

By the time we arrive at the party, most people are already wasted and the music is so loud that it resonates in my chest. Marissa sees her roommate, Ashley, and leaves me to greet her. As for me, I'm making my way to the bar. I carefully avoid someone who almost spills his beer on my jacket and struggle my way through the crowd as I finally reach the bar. Looking at all the alcohol on the table, I have a lot of options. I settle for beer and spot a little corner that seems not so hectic.

A lot is happening all around me, I don't even know where to look. On the couch to my right, a private party is going on. People are smoking pot while others are bending over the table to do some cocaine.

At the back, everyone is dancing, or to be more specific, grinding on one another. Most of them aren't even moving to the rhythm of the beat, they are just jumping up and down in circles.

On second thought, maybe I'm not missing out on anything. I bring the red cup to my mouth. Maybe this isn't my scenery. Don't get me wrong, I like parties and having fun. I get pretty crazy sometimes. But I haven't done that in a while. It's not good for me. I don't know how to settle boundaries sometimes and that results in substance abuse. Jade and I drank too much. We felt invincible and untouchable as most teenagers do.