LIGHTWEIGHT

Chapter 9: Acceptance

The more things change, the more they stay the same. When your obsession is to escape a situation, ineluctably life kicks you in the curve. Just like Oedipus couldn't change his fate and fell exactly for what he wanted to avoid at all cost, the actions we take to break the inevitable only brings us closer to it.

The day you realize that is the day you have a decisive choice to make. You can stop for a second to stare at the sky, look at the slow dancing of the infinite stars and live your life without defying the universe or you can tragically be heading for disaster.

Jade opted for the second option. She collapsed both in a figurative and literal way. Up to this day, I think her parents still don't want to admit her car crash was not an accident. Maybe it's what helps them sleep at night. But the second I saw the damaged car, I knew it was no accident. She deliberately crashed into that tree that day she told me she was going to miss me.

"You know how it's much harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive others?"

"I guess. Why?"

"Promise me one thing Carter."

"What?"

"Always forgive yourself."

"What are you talking about Jade? You're being so dramatic." She gives me a weak smile and speaks again in the most natural and simple way.

"I'm gonna miss you this summer."

My best friend committed suicide and I was left alone with bittersweet memories, a sense of helplessness and a hollow soul wandering around like a shadow.

I was stuck in the aftershock with this pain and her delicate voice echoing in my head. She took away all of my frivolity and my insolent desire to live. Part of me is mad at her for leaving me behind and the other part is mad at myself for letting her slip out of my fingers like raindrops penetrating my hand before crashing onto the ground.

Her presence was even more persevering after she died. I couldn't bare it. It was torture and my mind was restless. The letter she had left for me was never going to give me answers. I would never get back the piece of soul that she took away with her and the absence of her burning light in my life left a dark stain on my heart.

Moving on with my life felt like betrayal. I was emotionally drained and lost myself trying to mourn her. I never got to say goodbye and I was mad at her for not giving me the chance to do so. What changed now you might ask? Well, I think I've finally gotten some sort of closure.

Pyrrhic (adjective): This English word has got a strong bittersweet connotation. It is defined as a kind of success that is marked by the sign of heavy losses. It's a sense of victory greater than any achievement because of the difficulties that were endured. And even if you got some kind of success, you find it hard to obtain a sense of accomplishment.

The moment I became aware that I wasn't letting myself feel remotely happy because I was putting her death first as some kind of defense mechanism, I realized that my false interpretation of her actions was dictating my life. And I can't hold a grudge anymore against someone who now only lives through lost moments playing in my mind.

"Forgive yourself."

Saying I love you and meaning it seems to be one of the greatest accomplishments in life for people. They search and long for those three words as if there are no better words in the world. But saying I love you has lost meaning with time. Experience has taught me that love is never enough. We have forgotten the weight of its meaning. However, there are other ways to say I love you.

I forgive you.

For all the things you did that hurt me. I forgive you for the way you left me without really saying goodbye. I forgive you for not knowing what I needed even when I thought you would. I forgive you for giving up on life. I forgive you and I know you forgive me. This is how she proved to me that she loved me and it's how I will keep on loving her in peace. I will keep on forgiving.