DIRT: the grunge diaries (𝒱𝒾𝒸𝓉𝑜𝓇𝒾𝒶'𝓈 𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃)

entry #76 - a little bitter

So, I was bouncing off the walls because I thought I had a date with a guy who likes me because I'm smart, witty and funny ... and now I'm crying through the hotel corridor, heading to his room to talk to him, mad as fuck and weeping, because he's felt legitimated to pull a prank to humiliate me in front of people. Because he thinks he's smarter than me? Because he thinks I'm a joke and I gotta be treated like one? Because having fun of my naïveté gets him going? From the height of his above average intelligence all the way to my very, very average intelligence ? It's ironic how irony can be hurtful some times. And sadly for me, this is one of these times. I'm hurt, stabbed in the pride, feeling ridiculed, dumb, and less intelligent than him. Like a flat out idiot, because he made me believe that fellatio was a fucking Italian dish. When it's just 'blowjob' in Latin. And I fucking made myself look ridiculous by asking for it wherever I'd go.

I thought he was being sincere and cryptically asking me out for dinner, yesterday, when we were on the tour bus, we were both talking about being hungry... and he turned to my side and told me that he needed some 'fellatio'. I swear to god, he had that sprinkle of cutesie in his eyes that really showed through, when I asked him if fellatio was a dish, he said yes, and I assumed he was asking me to a date at the Italian restaurant. He really did take me to a date at the Italian restaurant, and he paid the whole fucking bill. But now I'm learning that, all cutesie faces and all sprinkles in the eyes aside, he was just clowning me. Taking me out was never his intention. Clowning me and ridiculing me was his only manifest intention. The bottomline is that Sean doesn't give a fuck about my feelings, and he underestimates my worth and my intelligence. If he thought of me slightly more highly than just as a joke, he would've held me back from making myself look like an ass more or less around the time I asked the waiter at the restaurant for 'fellatio'... and the guy almost laughed in my face and gave me some of the weirdest looks. So did the owner of the restaurant, when I talked to him in Italian, and I asked him to include fellatio in the menu. God damn me. Only god knows what these people must've thought of me.

I am the joke of the day. I was the joke of yesterday. And if I don't distance myself from Sean, I'm gonna be the joke of the next whole thirty days in a row. If I make it to the end of this tour without cracking all shits and going back home, of course.

Y'know what? Fuck Sean. I'm done with his shit. I can't hang out with a man who thinks of me as a joke, and who's into ridiculing me in front of people for his own entertainment. I can't hang out with a man whose intentions are to hurt me and make me feel like I'm a dumb fucking ass. Something that I ain't, I promise, although I don't know the meaning of all the fucking words in the world. I thought he was protective of me and always ready to stand up for me, but I was so fucking wrong. I was fucking wrong about everything Sean-related. He is an ass like Chrissie said, not the perfect boyfriend material that I thought he was. I still love him, I love him like I loved him five minutes ago, before his lies and his clownery were exposed by my besties ... but now my love for him is being overridden by shamefulness, pride, anger and hurt.

How dare he do this to me and keep a straight face all the way through? I thought he liked me, I thought I was his girl and I meant something to him. And it hurts to realise that I was so fucking wrong, so blinded by love to realise that I was just being clowned big time. 'My girl' your ass, Kinney. If that's how you treat me, and we still haven't teared down all boundaries between us... how am I even supposed to trust you enough to give you my heart?

He already has my heart, although I haven't officially given it to him. And I'm thankful for that, 'cause he wouldn't deserve it. I need a man who looks at me and thinks that I'm bubbly, intelligent, fun and spirited... not a man who looks at me and thinks about twelve different ways to clown and humiliate me for his own amusement. And Sean clearly ain't one to fulfil the first purpose. He is excellent to fulfil the second, though. But I ain't gonna have it.