Tell Me I'm Alive

Table Mates

The sun shines brightly onto the patrons of the shopping center. Families and friends were milling about the outdoor food court where I am devouring a chicken sandwich and fries. The space around me is completely full and thankfully a table for four opened up right as my food was prepared. I feel bad for taking such a large space for myself, but at the time, there were no other options.

After my initial, immediate need for food is sated, I slow my chewing and begin to enjoy it a bit more. The drive to Newark was the longest I've ever done on my own and my anxiety only allowed for a quick stop to use the restroom halfway through. I had prepared snacks the night before but didn't want to make myself too thirsty and make more stops. Only once my car was parked at the hotel and I checked in early was I able to relax even a little. I dumped my overnight bag in the room and got an Uber to the mall.

Thankfully, I had saved a bit of money and I could do some shopping. I just had to figure out which stores I wanted to visit and look at the map to make a plan. I have my left earbud in and my music was doing its best to drown out the constant noise of people milling around. After opening my phone and searching for the mall's map, I make a list of the stores that I would be visiting in order. I couldn't spend too much time shopping but I had carved out a couple hours in my itinerary for it. I still had to go back to the hotel and drop off any purchases I made before the concert.

Right as I finish my list, a shadow blocks the sun from in front of me and lingers. I try my best to ignore the person and look as nonchalant as possible, but they don't leave and curiosity gets the best of me. I look up and lock eyes with a man wearing a ball cap and mask. A tray is balanced in one of his hands, a drink in the other. He looks expectantly at me and I pull my earbud out to focus on what he is saying.

"Sorry, I couldn't hear. Can I help you?" I push my bangs behind my ear and glance away quickly, hoping I don't sound too put out, but unfortunately, my tone is flat.

"It's fine! Could me and my friends sit here? It's the only place open." His words have a bit of an accent to them, but I can't really tell which one with all the noise around us. I'm just glad I could process what he says without having him repeat it again.

"Oh, yeah, sure absolutely! I'm sorry, it opened up right as I got my food and I jumped at the opportunity." I smile to make up for my less than enthusiastic first response to him and pull my tray closer to my spot. "I'm just about finished anyway."

I put my earbud back in and scroll through my phone absentmindedly, taking another bite of my sandwich. I try again, to ignore my new table mate without seeming too standoffish. Social interactions with strangers were hard for me on a normal day, never mind how highly strung I've been all morning. I am YOU starts playing through my phone's speaker, signaling a call while I have my sandwich in my hands. I try to answer it right away but my finger is a bit greasy. I quickly wipe my hands on a napkin and notice how tense the man's shoulders become the longer the song plays.

Once I finally answer the call, my sister's voice fills my ear. "Hey Nana, mom told me you made it and you planned to go to a mall. I was wondering if you could get me some stuff from Sephora?"

I know it isn't actually a question. Emma has a way of manipulating me into doing whatever she wants me to whether I am right beside her or hours away. It rankles me that she refused to go to the concert with me so my anxiety wasn't as bad but now she, of course, wants something from me instead.

"Hey Emma, I made it safe. I'm so glad you called to check in on your dearest sister. How thoughtful of you." The sarcasm in my voice is plain and I know it will probably make things worse in the long run, but I can't help it.