Tell Me I'm Alive

Song Recommendations

When Felix and I get back to the van, Minho opens the door, gets out, and directs me to the middle seat again.

"I'm so happy you're coming to hang out with us for a little longer, Noona." Seungmin smiles and pats me on the shoulder.

"Honestly, me too. No matter how unreal all of this is, I'm glad y'all invited me to tag along. Seriously guys, thank you." My throat tries to close around my last few words but I make it through. I've already cried once today, there's no need for a second time. Even if these would be happy tears.

"So, Noona, what's your favorite song? We can connect to the car's Bluetooth." Felix waves his phone between the front seats.

"Oh, um, like one of you guys' songs or..." I trail off, unsure if they would even want to listen to their own music. I know they did while driving through the streets of Jeju-do, but they were also filming.

"Our songs are fine, or something else if you want. You aren't allowed to say it's your favorite though." Jisung teasingly leans closer to me. "So... what is it? 19? Slump? Chill?"

"Nice try, but no. My favorite Stray Kids song is Hellavator. Always has been and probably always will be." I don't tell them that it's on my Depression Funk playlist; the one I put on repeat whenever I have an episode. It's hard to talk about how much their music has pulled me through. There are countless times that I've clawed my way through the darkness with Stray Kids playing in my ears. "I think I speak for many Stay when I say that Hellavator means a lot to all of us."

"Hellavator coming right up!" Felix types on his phone for a bit before Seungmin's voice pours through the speakers. I hum along to the lyrics and tap my foot to keep the beat steady. The guys begin singing their parts and filling in for those who aren't here. About halfway through the song, I can't hold back anymore and sing out loud with them. When the song finishes, Felix turns to me for another suggestion.

"If you play If I Were You by 2NE1, I know all the lyrics."

"But they're all in Korean!" Han exclaims from beside me, looking skeptical.

"And? I can't memorize Korean lyrics just like you guys do? C'mon, give me some credit here. I've been listening to K-Pop for almost ten years." I roll my eyes at him and wait for the opening notes to begin playing. I close my eyes and lose myself in the slow, steady rhythm. If I Were You is my favorite 2NE1 song. I'm always drawn to the calmer songs artists have in their discographies.

Once the last notes ring through the car, someone begins clapping behind me and I turn to see Seungmin. His face is almost awestruck, "Wow Lana-noona, that was really good! Your, um," He switches to Korean and looks at Felix for help.

"Pronunciation." Felix supplies

"Your pronunciation was almost perfect! How did you learn it?"

"Well, I have autism and ADHD so I hyperfixate on a song and listen to it so many times that I can't help but improve. I know how to read Hangul, so when I looked up the lyrics, I could read them and fix my pronunciation." I blush and avert my eyes, nervous for some unknown, to me, reason.

"I'm seriously impressed! I know a lot of Stay try to follow along to our songs, but they mispronounce most of the lyrics. I'm surprised you don't know Korean yet."

"Just because I can memorize words doesn't mean I understand what they mean. Granted, I know a lot of Korean words individually, but I can't form a sentence." I see Minho and Jeongin nod out of the corner of my eye. No doubt they must feel the same way about English. I also know they understand more than they show, especially during interviews exclusively in English.