Message from Heaven

Storm

That day there was a big storm on the roads in Croatia and the highways were closed, so our only option was the old road that led over Velebit and which was full of ice and snow, but it was the only option. At that time, my dad had a renovated apartment in Zagreb, where he would stay a couple of times a month when he returned from a business trip to Zagreb, and they intended to stay there during my treatment. We kept talking on the phone, there was no one on the road because the weather conditions were not the best. At one point we agreed to meet at the restaurant "Macola" in Lika. When our driver parked in front of the restaurant, we went out for lunch to wait for my parents with a small child. I was already quite hungry, and I took spaghetti Bolognese, which was my favorite dish in that restaurant because we often came to eat there as a family when we went to Zagreb or came back. My dad would always call me "Garfield the cat" because even as a child I loved eating lasagne and Bolognese, and as a child, I couldn't wait for them to arrive. I called them for some time on their cell phone, but they did not answer, the nurse also called them, but no one answered the calls. After we waited for them for a certain period, I only saw an ambulance speeding with sirens in the direction we came from. Then that voice in my head said again; "And what if this is for them, what if something happened?" At that moment, the driver received the call, got up from the table, and went to have a conversation. He briefly called the nurse, and they both returned to the table. The nurse didn't want to eat anything, she just drank coffee and said in a calm voice that we should continue toward Zagreb. The further journey to Zagreb went quite normal for us, but my mother still did not answer the phone, just like my father. The whole way I was wondering what was going on. When we got to the main Clinical center in the city, it was already dark, they took me out of the car and put me in the emergency room, the nurse and the driver had to go back, and I still remember how they said that they would bring the trolley back with them. Then I was sure that something had happened, but they didn't want to tell me what. While they were taking things out of the vehicle, they put me in a wheelchair in the lobby of the hospital. As the entire entrance hall was made of glass, I saw a Roma woman in the large waiting room, she was all in black, with dark skin and she was wearing a mask on her face and she was looking at something on her phone, at one point she stood up and we exchanged glances. The nurse brought me with such a big belly, in the purple pajamas that I got as a gift from my aunt, into the waiting room, as she was pushing the stroller. When she saw us coming, the Roma woman opened the door for us, and I must admit that this gesture surprised me. There I was greeted by a warm and kind doctor, who later turned out to be my neighbor's niece. She then received me and took me to the ward. When I entered that department, they placed me in the first room, or "box" as they called it, on the right side, where there was a girl with the same name as me. The walls were composed of all parts, the part from the floor to half was of concrete structure, and from half to the ceiling there was glass through which you could see not only into the other room but also into the other rooms. It was dark, and most of the lights in the ward were off, I just noticed some small machines that were next to the bed, but I didn't pay much attention to them at first. In the next room, I noticed a girl who was looking at her laptop and wearing big pink headphones. I noticed her because the light of her laptop lit up her face in that darkness, her bright yellow face, and her hairless head. Then everything was clear to me. I just cried. Although there was a glimmer of hope in me that it wasn't what I thought it was, I still believed deeply that whatever happened I would get through. The girl I was placed in the room with, had short blonde hair, and I later found out that she had returned there for another treatment only three months after she finished treatment for the first time. Her bed was behind mine, and high on the wall in front of my bed was a plasma TV. I looked at the TV, and at that very moment, the Evening news was being broadcast. I don't know why, but I had the feeling that I shouldn't watch that diary, so after I turned it up for the first time, I turned the volume down and just on the pillow. Then a red-haired nurse came into my room and said we had to turn off the TV. Since she didn't want to tell me what was happening, she took my cell phone so I wouldn't call anyone or cause problems because I was very impulsive. I told her I would call the police and that I had another phone if she didn't tell me what happened. Then a short, chubby doctor, with a chubby face who was called professor, came to my room. He told me that there was a car crash, that dad is fine but that it is not known what happened to mom and baby sister and that everything will be known by tomorrow, and that I should not worry. At that time, I had two cell phones, one LG Cookie of the latest series that I got from my mom when she got a job, and one Nokia that had a wide keyboard that looked like then popular Blackberry phones. That Nokia was a phone that my sister and I used to take pictures of our baby sister, we even put her on the background of the phone because she was so cute, and we loved playing with her and taking pictures of her. That's when I tried to call my dad from that Nokia for the last time, first typing in some strange code to unlock it because I and my sister put something in it pretending to be something - like a child's job. I had never been able to remember his mobile phone number until then because he had a Croatian area code number. At that moment for the first time in my life I typed his number from my head without any problem, but his mobile phone was switched off. The nurse then entered the room and gave me two sleeping pills, she told me that it was to help me fall asleep and feel calmer. After that, I felt asleep, but they woke me up in the middle of the night to take me for a medical examination. I remember that evening, another red-haired nurse came in, cheerful with a smile on her face, with a strange haircut, one side of her head was cut very short while the other was longer. That was very interesting to me then. It was the middle of the night, and she put me in a wheelchair and took me out of the pediatric ward. We went down a bright yellow corridor to an elevator that could only be used by medical personnel using their key. The corridors were icy as if some frost was hitting me. We entered the elevator, the door closed behind us, and the nurse put the key in one of the sections provided for it and pressed the number of the floor. A young doctor received me in an ultrasound room on the first floor, he wore glasses and was nice to the eye. He seemed very professional and educated, as if he knew his job. He was looking at my abdomen on the ultrasound. He did not comment on anything. After I wiped off the cold gel cream, the nurse took me back to the room through the cold corridors and covered me with a blanket to keep me warm. The next morning, breakfast came to my room and with it a young doctor. The breakfast looked relatively okay and tasty. She also carried some papers with her, my medical findings at the time. When I asked her what was wrong with me, she just answered me; "We assume a tumor", then I just sighed and said; "Oh, no", but I knew that this battle was mine and that I would win. That day they still took me for various tests and examinations, but there was no sign or word about my family. I only remember my red suitcase that was left in my room by the nurse who came with me from Mostar. That day, all the doctors and professors from the department were around me, getting to know me and looking at my medical documentation. The whole time I was wearing a brownie on my arm, still from Mostar, and I was connected to a mobile infusion stand. I didn't find out what happened that day either, and nobody wanted to tell me until the following evening when I was met in the changing room by my father, his first cousin, and my mother's relative, who was a diplomat by profession, and at that time she was working as an attaché of the European Union for the Croatian police. Dad's hand was in plaster, cousin's eyes were full of sadness and tears looking at me with compassion, while my mom's cousin looked at me with some deep observation and regret. Everyone was there, except my mother and sister, and I was worried before my dad said anything to me, I just told him "Don't talk" because everything was clear to me, and as if I knew everything. He told me to calm down. Dad looked at me with eyes full of love and tears and quietly said; "We had a car accident, mom and sister died." The two of them then looked at me and all eyes were only on me, waiting for my reaction, and I just took a deep breath, and I had the feeling that someone put me in the drum for a moment and shook me well, and I just said exhaling; "I knew it". At that moment, everything that haunted me for days and months before, suddenly left me, may God forgive me. Dad said that the next day, March 28, 2013, was the funeral, the same day that I had the operation, which they firstly told me to go for a biopsy. Probably not to scare me, but maybe also because they also planned "just a biopsy" and didn't know what was waiting for them. We stayed in that room for a certain time, dad told me that he will always be with me and my sister and that from now on we must stick together as a family, and that from now on every holiday we will look at mom's recipe book and make cakes from it and the rolls we loved so much. After the conversation in that room, I returned to my room, and dad and the others went on. I don't remember what happened next. The next day I was not allowed to eat or drink anything, and after that, I was taken to the operating theatre. On the way there, they led me through a corridor, after which they brought me into the operating theatre, which was very cold and everything inside was green. In the middle of the hall, there was a bright light on the ceiling, and they put me on the table below. At that moment, that "voice" in my head came back to me and told me; "Tell them not to take out your ovaries", but even before all that happened, I had some fears that something was wrong with my ovaries. I didn't say anything to them, because I was all confused and scared. The anesthesiologist was all in green, wearing a green mask over her face and dioptric glasses, she held my head and said that everything would be fine, to which I asked, crying in fear, what would happen. After that, only black darkness. All that time, I felt some energy around me that protected me and pushed me forward, somehow knowing that something good would eventually come out of everything bad. Because as they like to say in Herzegovina, I believe that God will provide everything for good. And believe me, if you have this attitude, you will feel better and everything in your life will make sense. They told me that I would wake up two hours after the surgery, but in the end, it turned out that it wasn't just a biopsy at all, but a procedure that lasted a full seven hours. After which I woke up on Saturday morning in the intensive care unit with a bunch of tubes coming out of me. I was immobilized, the room was very warm, and I was lying completely naked under the blanket, which I only felt later. I tilted my head to the left, and I saw Zagreb, from the view of the city I realized that I was on the higher floors of the building. It was snowing outside; Zagreb was white and very beautiful. I felt very beautiful at that moment as if some warmth had taken over my heart, mind, and energy. The warmth of some kindness, like the one in the home during the holidays, is felt when all of us who love each other gather around the fireplace and eat Christmas cookies, laugh and love each other. I felt blissful, as in a home full of love, as if love and warmth were all around me, and as if everything made sense. I turned my head to the other side, and I saw a lot of monitors and other people, that was children around me who were at a distance. I realised that they were around me, but I couldn't see them properly m. I saw only one cot, high, leaning against the wall opposite mine and a small child standing in it while his mother helped him with changing his clothes. I saw that on the uppermost monitor, some valleys and ridges were constantly being displayed, and I found out that when I take a deep breath the ridge increases, and when I exhale it goes down. I played with that monitor for a while, and it was a lot of fun. Then the nurse entered the room, and when she saw me, she just said; "She woke up", and the surgeon who operated on me came. The surgeon was a tall, thin, and stocky man with grey hair and a soft and calm voice. All the goodness of his soul was outlined in his eyes. He was simply one of those people who, when you see him and look into his eyes, you realize that he is a good and honest man, full of trust. He inspires hope for good and acts as a person who knows and loves his job perfectly. He had such an aura and I think that's why he had a reputation as one of the best, if not the best, pediatric surgeons in the entire state. Then you realize that when they honor you with some great activities and reward, you and your reputation is very good because of hard and dedicated work, you realize that people feel your sacrifice and kindness and all that you are and that you start to attract blessings into your life. He caressed my toes, then I felt a vibe of compassion, love, and good energy, as well as faith that everything will be fine. He asked me how I was, and I said I was fine, I thought it was Friday, but it was Saturday morning. I thought, is it possible that I slept for so long, considering that the operation was on Thursday? Then he left. I looked under the sheet and saw my naked body. I had the feeling that I was twenty kilograms lighter. I looked at the private parts of my body and saw that the upper part of my private part was shaved, as I had never shaved down until then because that whole system was unknown to me. It was clear to me that they did it during the operation, but still no I knew exactly what happened on the operating table. I wanted to, and I knew I would find out, but I didn't want to bother myself too much. I just fell asleep. The next day, according to my quick recovery, I was transferred to the pediatric surgery department. There were five beds in the room. Two on the left and three on the right. They assigned me a bed on the right side in the middle. On my left was a girl, her name was Božena, she also didn't have a mother and she was lying there because she was complaining of pain in the lower abdomen. I understood that she comes from a family with not the best financial situation, according to her and her sister who came to visit while smelled of cigars, but I also understood that neither she nor her sister is bad people, but that this is their way of they deal with what life has brought them. At that time, she had a boyfriend with whom she had some problems. Now I know she was just looking for love and I hope she found it. In the end, it turned out that she was fine, and one evening after the ultrasound, nurse asked her if she was really in pain or if she was pretending. One evening I was crying because of everything that happened, and she came, sat on my bed, took my hand, and started caressing it while I told her through tears what happened. She just hugged me and said that everything will be all right. After a few days, two sisters and dad came to pick her up and took her home. She was fine and I'm glad she is. I hope she will stay well. I also considered her a kind of mission because my little sister, who died, was called Božena by my aunt and relatives because she was born on Orthodox Christmas, January 7th, 2013. Although her real name was Marija.