Message from Heaven

Sky is finally clear

After the treatment, I returned to my hometown to finish the eighth grade of elementary school. I was a relatively good student, but a bit disinterested, they gave me a lot of time off considering the situation. I went to half of the classes because that was the agreement between the class teacher and the teachers at the school. I had to wear a mask for a while until my immunity improved. With my positive attitude, it happened very quickly. When I came, my friends in the class accepted me quite normally, they were happy that I was here, that we were together again. When I came to school, they had a Welcome Party in my class. I was greeted by a table full of sweets, snacks, and happy children's faces. As soon as I entered, I was immediately greeted by a lot of positive and benevolent energy, my friends cracked jokes with me and did everything to make me laugh. I never wore wigs, the health insurance institute did not cover the cost of the wig, and I didn't want to impose an additional cost on my dad. Even though everyone told me that I was beautiful anyway and that my new hair would grow soon. I went to my mother and sister's cemetery for the first time in the spring of 2014, at the urging of my neighbor, with whom I spent the whole winter almost every afternoon talking and hanging out with her over a cup of tea and lunch because she considered it the best option for my mental health at that point. I didn't before because I didn't have the strength to face it. I was well until the spring of 2014 when I started having episodes of panic and anxiety attacks that I've recovered from over the years thank God, but it took me a long time to accept things as they are on a conscious level. I still remember my first attack that happened after visiting the gym. I ended up in the emergency room, and as soon as my dad heard what happened, he came to Mostar to pick me up, since he had decided to spend the entire academic year working in Zagreb so that they could move to Zagreb in the summer of 2014 and took me to Zagreb at my oncology professor for an examination and an interview because he wasn't sure what was going on. For that whole year, I went to Zagreb almost every two months for check-ups and CT scans. That was so difficult for me, I always had some fear. Fear of the future, of the unknown, always having what happened in the subconscious. All the trauma and pain that I wasn't even aware of in the beginning. When I came to Zagreb, and when the doctors saw that everything was fine with me, the professor-oncologist who oversaw my treatment politely sat down and talked to me, and asked me; "Did you think all this time that your mother and sister would be waiting for you when you returned home to Mostar"? I didn't know what to say, I cried in confusion, now that I think about it a little more, maybe I was expecting it in my subconscious. And that's why it's important to become aware of the situation you're in, my dear reader, and to say out loud and write down on paper everything that's bothering or bothering you, to seek help without shame or embarrassment, because, at the end of the day, we're still left with ourselves. And most importantly, I am convinced that forgiveness and the truth set you free, no matter how difficult it may be to admit certain things to yourself or others. Forgive and let go of everything that happened to you in the past, because you are the one who deserves happiness and peace. But I didn't give in to grief. Then she asked me if I ever went to their cemetery, I said no because I was afraid. Then she advised me to return to Mostar and go light a candle and pray.

My neighbour and I went that morning, we parked on the gravel lot opposite the cemetery and first, we went to her father-in-law's grave, lit a candle, and said a prayer. The neighbour carried a small broom in her hand, a cloth, and a cleaning agent to clean their grave and light the candles. As soon as we entered the cemetery, a strange feeling of fear appeared in me, that I shouldn't, that I was afraid. I started to cry as we approached the grave of my mother and sister. I felt some strange pressure, I started to struggle in combination with tears. I wanted to run away, but she told me to stay. I just sat on the side and cried. After I calmed down, I helped her clean their grave site. We were there for two or three hours, talking and cleaning. In the end, we prayed and lit candles. I felt much better after that.