Message from Heaven

Sky seemed to become clearer

After the third chemo, I felt so eager for everything, that I started eating in large quantities, especially sweets because they were so pleasing to my body. I liked the chocolate bar with coconut the most, it was my mom's favourite candy. After I finished the second chemotherapy, I was in the worst condition. Dad was always next to me, sitting on a chair and reading the news on his laptop. But then when he came to visit, I pretended to sleep. The headboard of my bed was half up because it made it easier for me to sleep because of the situation in my mouth. When he saw me in such a state, he sat down on a chair under my feet and just sobbed; "My kitty, do not die to me too". When I heard those words of his, I felt some strength deep inside me. I tried to put a smile on my lips, but the scabs tightened them too much and my cheeks burned too much, then I would prefer to tell my dad not to worry and that everything will be fine, but I couldn't talk. I wondered if my voice would come back. And indeed, he came back, and I was talking quite normally. That was the department, where children comforted their crying and worried parents, and they consoled them. One evening a nurse offered to clean the fungus out of my mouth, saying that it would burn and hurt but that I would feel much better afterward. I agreed. She entered my room, pushing some kind of metal cart with her, and on it the necessary equipment. Dad moved to the side and closed the laptop, and I lay down opposite, putting my legs where my head would normally be. She put blue sterile medical gloves on her hands, put some gauze over them, and started to clean the fungus in my mouth starting from the gums to the inside of the cheeks. I screamed and kicked the bed. And so, two days in a row. She did it wholeheartedly, I could see that it was not easy for her and that she had the best intentions. As she did this, she paused, looking her head away. Then she would ask me; "Are you okay, should I continue"? I would also give her a sign by nodding my head that I was ready for the next round of "torture" for the sake of a better tomorrow. It wasn't easy for dad to watch either. I realized that after that he became much more lenient toward me. He was more understanding, gave me more money, bought me more presents... And even in the years that followed, somehow whenever I did something stupid, I would realize that somehow, he loved me too much to "punish" me. It was as if I had the feeling that this image was constantly somewhere in front of his eyes, in his subconscious. A picture of his child fighting for his own life, screaming and kicking as the nurse tries to ease the agony by momentarily increasing it. I started eating a lot after the third cycle of chemotherapy, I finally started gaining weight. My aunt, who has worked all her working life as a doctor, and still works, told me that this is a good sign because when a person begins to gain weight, it is a sign that the tumour is started to withdraw from the body. The fourth, fifth, and sixth chemotherapy was easier than the first three, although there were problems after them too, it seems to me that somehow they were much smaller than with the first three, especially the first two. Between every cycle of chemo, we had lumbar puncture. Doctors put big needles into our chest or lower back, to check situation with childrens blood. I kept looking at pictures of my friends who were out enjoying the summer and having fun, and somewhere deep inside I promised that I would do the same when I got out of the hospital. I have always been a serious shopaholic and a lover of fashion, even during the break between therapies I wanted to go to the shopping center, but my oncologist wouldn't let me. The head professor doctor in the department, although about to retire, was very energetic and his hair was still not grey, he looked like he was keeping himself, or he just had a good hairdresser, but the skin of his face also looked youthful. He used to visit a couple of times to see how we were doing, he would always comment on something, trying to be positive, but all his comments were short, and he would always quickly leave the box, he could "fly in" just like the wind and disappear. Somehow, I had the feeling that she was "difficult to let us go" alone, and then one day a young doctor came into my room, the one whose aunt was my next-door neighbour and I told her what I was thinking, to which she replied; "Do you think that their goal is for you to be here all the time"? She and I often hung out and talked, she was a bit mysterious, but I had the impression that she liked me. Unfortunately, there were children were to the ward, there were also a couple of babies whom I felt sorry for. I found out about my diagnosis at the time in the third month of 2013, and by the end of the eighth month of the same year, I was completely cured. My desire for life, for health, for going out, for shopping, for people, for learning, and my desire to fulfill my mother's last wish came true. In the ninth month of 2013, I started the eighth grade quite normally with the other children from the class. The humanitarian association Krijesnica, which helps children and parents suffering from malignant diseases, gave us books and brochures on how to deal with the disease that year. I remember the book "How to explain life expectancy to children in a reasonable way", it was one of those books that graphically try to explain the transience of life to children by comparing it to changes in nature, and one brochure on which a picture of a family with a dog and one family member (a child) without hair was drawn, trying to explain to parents and other siblings how to accept an illness in a family member. Although they had the best intentions, I never wanted to read them, I just read that book about life time from their perspective, or identify with them, because I knew from the very beginning that I was not my diagnosis, that I was much more, that I was a human being of flesh and blood with a soul, full of qualities that I still need to discover and develop, not some number, statistic on paper or a picture in a picture book. And to all of you who are going through the same or similar, I want to say; Never lose faith or hope for a better tomorrow, and never identify yourself with statistical data, with other people, their life understandings, and life paths. You are much more than your diagnosis, already set yourself a small or big goal in life worth living for and work towards it and persevere towards it. See your current situation as part of your life journey, but not as your whole life. One bad day of the week does not mean a bad week, just as one bad period in life does not mean a bad life. Let the positive energy of joy, happiness, and life flow through your body, not sadness and devotion. Let that positive energy get you out of bed and make you a better person for yourself, your friends, colleagues, family, and the environment. My advice to you is to invest in knowledge from the field that interests you and put special emphasis on "brain exercises" such as solving math problems at the level of upper secondary school grades, the most important thing is to "force" the brain out of its comfort zone and encourage it to progress because then your body will also move towards a positive change. Exercise your mind and brain. Have a reason for a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life in which after some time there will be no more symptoms of illness. You deserve it, health, joy, and happiness are the basic and natural state of the human organism, don't give in to grief, it destroys your soul. If you feel it, let it pass through you, but do not let it linger in you. Jesus, you think. A powerful prayer that eases our worries. But don't forget to be grateful. It is the greatest blessing that attracts many other blessings into life. In the beginning, they gave me 24 hours to live, the doctors even told my parents in Mostar that they didn't know how smart it was for me to go to Zagreb and that it was questionable whether I would survive the trip, and today I stand here healthy, happy and grateful. And despite everything, I believe in and live a wonderful life. I had many ups and downs like any of us. It's all normal and it's all part of this wonderful journey called life. I believe that thanksgiving attracts new blessings and miracles into our lives.