To Lose What You Found

Chapter 41

-Ace-

Lux.

I love that girl.

I think she's pushing me away to protect us both, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Especially right after she let me kiss her.

She's been avoiding me. I want to talk to her but I feel as if I'll upset her more.

I don't know, it's confusing me. She looks at me like she has something to say, but won't even open her mouth.

I feel like Ash is happy about it, I can't really blame him though. They both think that it's better this way, better if we stay apart.

But her not being with me is worse. I can't sleep because I feel as if I've done something wrong, like it's my fault she looks so miserable. But it is, isn't it?

Ugh! I don't fucking know anymore! Is it wrong to desire her? Is what we want really a crime?

Yeah. Nevermind. It is. I'm supposed to be alone, I'm not supposed to settle down. Not when all of Pentinovēn wants the bounty I carry. We only met because of that thing, and we can't be together because of it.

"I'm such a fool," I mutter to myself, turning to the curtain-covered window. I can see the full moon shining through the cracks and thin sections of the curtains. Normally I would think this is lovely, but I can't seem to be happy without her here beside me.

I roll over, trying to get comfortable, but it only leaves me feeling worse. Ash is asleep, and I'm certain Lux is too. Is she thinking about me? Or am I just being obsessive? Overthinking it all?

If I am, it's my choice. I can lie here and think about Lux all night long and how she turned me down for a smart reason. But I shouldn't. I need to sleep.

Just turn off, brain!

"Maybe I should go out," I mumble, sitting upright. I nod and slip out of bed. There's nothing else to do, after being under the full moon I might be able to go to sleep.

I creep to the door and slip out. The door closes behind me, traitorously creaking and clicking loudly. I cringe at the thought of waking Ash as I stunt towards the elevators.

I feel more at ease walking around at night here than I usually do because it's normal. You sleep when you want to, and I can't right now.

Not very many people are awake, and they seem to avoid me. Can't blame them.

I know there's a picnic area outside the lobby, and I want to go there.

It's peaceful outside. The wind is barely blowing, and there are almost no clouds in the sky. The only downside to the bright full moon is that it blocks out the stars, making them barely visible. I can hear crickets singing songs to each other, and other nightly creatures communicating— it's lovely.

When I make it to the picnic area I plop onto the ground and lie back, staring up at the sky.

"Peaceful out here, isn't it?" I hear someone ask, startling me. I jump up and turn to where the voice came from, seeing Lux.

She looks gorgeous under the moonlight. Her features look softer and seem to glow. The smile that she wears is gentle, and only makes my eyes not want to leave her lips.

"Yeah, couldn't sleep?" I ask, laying back down. She chuckles, making my face burn.

I hear her move while she says, "Nope. Well, I'll let you stay here and enjoy the night. Sometimes silence is so wonderful."

"Sometimes," I echo, my voice almost cracking.

"Sorry?"

"Sometimes it's nice to have someone to talk to..." I carefully look up at her, "even if you know things might turn out badly with that person."

She blinks at me, an odd look on her face. She looks around as if looking for someone to ask their opinion of, but of course, it's only us two.

"What are you trying to say? You want me to stay?" She asks, chewing her lip. I nod before saying, "We don't have to talk if you don't want to."

"Ace. We shouldn't be doing this," she says, sighing.

"I'm still curious about what that means, can we not be friends?" I ask, even though I know the line between friends and lovers is pretty blurry. At least for me.

"I understand your reasoning, but Lux, you're killing me," I say, laughing lightly when she looks around to avoid my question.

I smile up at her and pat the ground, "Come on Lux, is it really that big of a deal?"

"Yes Ace! It's a huge deal! It's not like I don't want to be with you but..." she sighs, anger drawn on her face. She takes a shaky deep breath before continuing, "I can't just go around pretending when I know how this ends. It's not pretty Ace, and we don't get to be together."

I groan as I sit up, "This again? I know how it ends too, I just want you to... I don't know... spend time with you cuz I like you. Call me an idiot, I don't care."

"Ace... I... fine, I'll stay out here with you, but don't let this make you think I'm going to let you kiss me again," she says, doubt filling her own words.

"Okay," I mumble, laying back down. I'm half tempted to ask if she wants to lay on me.

"Why're you so stubborn?" she asks, laying beside me. I turn to my side and ask, "What do you mean?"

"If the whole world was telling you not to see me, and giving you the most logical reasons, would you listen? Would you even consider it?"

I don't give it any thought as I say, "No."

"See, so stubborn."

"I have thought about it when you said it," I whisper, digging my nails into my palm to stop myself from reaching out and stroking her cheek. That would be awkward because of our positions, but I'm still thinking about it.

She shakes her head and rolls on her side, "It's because of me, you're only thinking it over because I said it. I know Ash said something."

"Ugh, fuck Ash. He's so damn bossy," I mutter, rolling my eyes. She gasps, a smile growing on her lips, "Ace, you sound like a child!"

"Oh! Come on! You can't lie!" I say, lowering my voice to add, "I feel bad for his wife."

"Ace!" she says, struggling not to laugh, "She's the only person who tells him to do stuff."

"You think?" I ask, smirking.

"What do you mean?" She asks, giggling.

"He's Declan and Dawson's little henchman. He would do anything he asks, even if he doesn't like it," I say, nodding.

She chews her lip, lost in thought. After a few minutes of silence she asks, "Does he want to chase you?"

:) Questions?