His Wicked Heart

Chapter Twenty-Five

saudade
(n.) a nostalgic longing to be near someone or something that is distant

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PRESENT

GENEVIEVE

People have secrets. Some share them with their close ones, and some take them to the grave. I wanted to follow the latter plan because when sharing secrets could lessen the burden on your shoulders and bring solace, mine did the opposite.

I had already regretted telling it once. The last time I told a girl from my elementary school about that, she got me suspended from school.

And then I promised myself that no matter how close people become to me, I will never open my mouth about my past. It was long forgotten by now.

Until Aleksandr mentioned it.

I didn't know how to feel now. For so long, I have burdened myself with the fear of people's loathing. But I felt a rush of panic every time I thought about what he could think about me right now.

Am I disgusting?
Am I vile?
Am I unworthy?

"Genevieve!" It was only when I heard his shout that I realized I was crouching down, covering my face with my shaking hands.

When I looked up in horror, expecting him to ridicule me, laugh at me, his arms pulled me to him with an odd gentleness. I felt the beats of his heart as fast as mine when my head rested against his chest.

"It's okay, baby." His voice held concern as he stroked the back of my head. "Shh, it's alright. No one would hurt you. No one will dare to," he soothed me. I didn't know for how long I was in his arms, but when time passed and I could finally calm myself down, I looked up at him again, this time with admiration and gratitude.

Emerald green eyes stared down at me with passion burning underneath them, setting my heart ablaze.

I opened my dry mouth to speak, "Aleksandr... I... I-"

"It's okay. I don't know anything else about your past besides your mom's name. You don't need to explain anything to me, dorogaya," he exclaimed with determination before I could have another breakdown, holding my cheeks between his large palms. His hands felt warm against my cold skin, almost comforting.

"What do you mean you don't know anything?" I asked, confused. He sighed, "I didn't dig into that part anymore. That wasn't mine to know."

"Why?" I whispered, confused and shocked. He had searched up my entire background for his own aspirations to know me but left my past untouched? Why would someone like him do that?

"That felt too extreme to do so," he said, then laughed a little right after. "I know it might feel shocking and very double standard of me. But I'm sorry for knowing whatever I know about you. I shouldn't have tried to do something that invades your privacy, your safety. I'm sorry, baby."

At that moment, after his confession, I almost felt guilty about my earlier thoughts. Maybe, maybe, it was only Aleksandr who would never look down on me because of a mere past. Maybe, he was a safe choice after all.

And I do trust Aleksandr. Just not his heart.

Because it isn't yours.

I hadn't uttered any more words afterward. Slowly, I stood up with his help. His one hand wrapped around my waist, while the other one held my wrist. "You need to go home," he said suddenly, making me turn my gaze to him. "What? No- I-"

My protest was immediately cut off by his next words, harsh, demanding, yet adoring and gentle, "You nearly had a panic attack, dorogaya. You need some rest." He carefully pulled me closer to his side and walked forward with me.

"But-"

"Don't say anything. Listen to me, baby."

"You had a task for me."

"Leave it for tomorrow."

"But-"

Aleksandr's face suddenly neared mine, making me halt in my sentence. "I told you," he smiled, "Listen to me, baby." His husky whisper had me shut my mouth completely, to which he smiled again. "That's my girl."

And his next words did everything wrong inside me.

Oh, for God's sake.

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By the time we were halfway to my house, my chest felt oddly tight. I didn't know if it was because of the silence or... my desire to completely unravel myself in front of Aleksandr.

I don't want to hide myself, my truth, my past, anything in front of him.

What would even happen if his reaction didn't reach my expectations? It's not like I care enough about my past anymore. It's merely a memory that exists in the back of my head vaguely.

And, maybe this time, I could make Aleksandr leave my side by himself.

Unconsciously, a long sigh left my mouth, making him turn to look at me. With a raised eyebrow, he asked, "Is there anything wrong? You feeling 'right?"

I kept my head down, only nodded slowly before rubbing my sweaty palm on my dress. "I'm alright."

There was a moment of pause afterwards. But then he spoke, "Are you hungry?" I shook my head, "I'm not."

The car suddenly stopped right after, making me finally look up, wondering how I reached my home so soon.

But then I saw that we were nowhere near my home; in fact, we were in front of a bakery. "I'll buy you some doughnuts. I heard this bakery sells good ones," he said, looking over the shop, and then turned his gaze to meet mine. "You like them, right?"

I pursed my lips, not knowing how to react. "I said that I'm not hungry..."

He chuckled at my words. "You don't need to be hungry to eat, dorogaya." I... I had no response to that. Then he continued, "How many would you like?"

"Two is enough." I replied, feeling burdened and happy at the same time. He seemed to be thinking for a moment. And then he smiled, "Three."

"Two is enough."

"I think four."

He smirked devilishly when I glared at him, emerald green eyes glinting underneath the moonlight. "Three then," I said with pursed lips, controlling my smile.

He laughed before opening the door to get out, "We'll see." He mused, and then got out, heading towards the bakery.

When he returned after a few minutes, I saw that he bought five doughnuts for me.

He smiled when I gasped at him in disbelief. He said, "My mistake I forgot to ask which flavoured toppings you liked, dorogaya."

"Did you really forget?"

"I promise to not lie."

Such a sweet talker.

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