They come in dreams

Part 21

Whatever step of the grieving process this is I don't like it. I am so tired. I wake up to the alarm and Tierna nudging me awake. I zombie follow her down stairs and to breakfast. I eat breakfast and get ready for training still barley awake. Its not until we are on the bus that I snap out of it. I can't let this go, this opportunity. For Maia, for my dad, for myself I have to give my all. So I do, at practice I do my best in the drills and when its time for conditioning Tierna and I are set up well to be in better shape then even the most condition members of the team. Tomorrow we will be doing the beep test so it will really be tested. After practice we head to the hotel for lunch. After we eat we have 3 hours before weight training.

"Dani will you pleaseeee come shopping with me and Alex?" Morgan whines as we leave lunch.

"I'm sorry Morgan I'm super tired I just need to take a nap," I apologize. She gives me a hug.

"Okay fine I'll see you in a few hours," she rushes off to catch up with Alex.

"You want to go to the museum don't you?" I turn to Tierna asking. A group is going to a local museum and ever the nerd, I could tell Tierna wanted to go.

"No its okay I'll come nap with you!" She responds quickly.

"Tierna please go have fun, I promise I'll be okay for a few hours," I assure her. She leans in and kisses me.

"I'll be back in 2 hours tops," she says while the girls who saw ooh and aww at the kiss. I head up the stairs to our room. In all honesty I haven't been alone for more than a few minutes in weeks but it has to happen eventually. I make it upstairs and lay down in the bed absolutely exhausted. However after 20 minutes sleep still hasn't taken over. Instead my thoughts are spiraling, I try to focus in on one thought even a painful one but it is quickly replaced before I can bring it into focus. Finally I give in and I scratch at a patch on my leg so far undisturbed. I scratch at the spot until I feel the skin giving way. As it does I finally fall asleep.

Tierna wakes me up 2 and a half hours later to tell me its time for training. When I crawl out of bed she sees the blood on my leg.

"What are you feeling when that happens?" She asks gently. I don't know how to respond because its not what I accepted.

"Everything I think, I just feel so overwhelmed and it calms me down. I know its bad but it really works."

"Okay we are gonna find other things. To help you without hurting you." She kisses my forehead and goes to get a wet cloth to clean up the blood. Once I am cleaned up we head to training. In the weight room I find my joking self again reminded of my first weight training with the team. I am able to get a lot of the girls laughing. I can sense the relief in the room that I seem to be doing okay. I feel a pit in my stomach knowing I will have to keep this act up. After dinner Tierna and I sit together on our bed.

"Maybe we go into incognito mode for this search," I say hesitantly.

"Fair enough, alright this list goes into specifics for how to stop hurting yourself. Alright lets make a list of something you can do depending on what you are feeling." I nod and pull up my notes on my phone. "If you are feeling Angry then it suggest exercise which obviously you are already doing a lot of. But another option is if you are feeling angry or frustrated you can rip a piece of paper into as many pieces as possible." I write that one down on the list. I certainly have been angry recently. "If you are feeling sadness or fear there are a few options. Spend time with an animal, listen to calming music, try relaxation breathing, massage your hands." I write those down as well. "I think these are gonna be pretty important," she says scrolling to the last page of the list past a few that don't apply to me. "If you are feeling numb or overwhelmed try, flicking your wrist with a rubber band, holding an ice cube, taking a cold shower, or smell something really strong. I could bring a pair of Kellys cleats up here." She says following the last one with a laugh. I laugh and finish writing these down.