ghost band

1

TW: suicidal thoughts, sh mentions, running away mentions, wanting to die, venting basically
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Do yk that feeling when you just give up? Like your so tired of everything around you but your too young to move out and get away from everything and all your plans of moving out at a certain age have gone to shit because they friend you were going to move in with 1. His mums had a stroke (she's fine dw) and idk if I'll he able to go there anymore when she gets out of hospital, and 2. Your friend is more distant, he doesnt seem to care anymore. And like you know that you have so many nice people around you but they aren't around you, your closest friend is almost half the country away and the rest of them live in different countries, I wanna move to Europe (ik technically the UK is Europe but just be quiet) and I have living in England and I wanna move somewhere, currently my plan is Germany and then visit someone in Spain when it isn't 45° over there. Omg it was 25° here today and I was fucking melting, tbh I'm fucking waiting on the day that I get skin cancer, I already got 1.5 degree burns from the sun and I'm not too good at covering my shoulders 😬, fuck it's sad to think that if I ever got bit on my shoulders/neck it'd probably make me scream in a very bad way coz the skins so fresh and its not that hard to break it so the person might even accidently bite through my skin 😂 oop- anyways back to what I was saying and if I could read back I'd not know wtf I was saying one second. Oh right moving out so yh I can't live here anymore and before anyone says 'just report your mum'... no. I won't coz I'm scared and frankly she could say to the court that I am mentally unwell because I don't have evidence and she doesn't hit me anymore that stopped a few years ago so I mean how strong can evidence be yk? Might start taking pictures of the bruises my friend gives me and then take it to court and say ut was my mum who knows except that's kinda illegal coz you swear an oath everything you say in court is the truth and it wouldn't be the truth.

Im struggling so much atm with just everything and I mean when I'm sat in bed if anything happened I could simply grab my bag, hide it under my jumper, say in going out and then go to the spot I've picked and kill myself, the bag has tablets in it. That reminds me I need to check if the amount of mg I have is deadly but I can't rn coz that friend I'm planning on living with (I still have hope) is staying over and he has to stay in my room because there's no other space. (Annoyingly enough coz it takes up all the room so you can barely even stand up coz of where his fold out he'd thing us) anyways so yh like I am so sick of everything and like I wanna run away. My, friend has suggested I go to this coffee shop I told her about but sadly I don't have a bs pass, or any money. Omg did I post aboit my birthday? I think I did but yh I got a guitar and I was learning ut and it was going good but uhm I sorta am struggling on a c chord rn coz my fingers are too small, well I'm slowly getting the hang of it I guess but I can't switch between a c chord and any other ones. Also omg do you know how annoying it is when someone is sat in the same room as you venting to you and you tell them some tips and they ignore them! Ugh.

Sorry about that short intervention, omg today I had an appointment with camhs to see how my group therapy went and if I needed more therapy and I think even the counsellor was surprised. So basically the most of the phone call I did with my mum sat next to me and she was saying (she=my mum) about how I probably needed some therapy for my cptsd from past events with people and then sje was like 'yeah she's less anxious' and my mum refuses to believe I'm depressed and doesn't know I cut myself or I'm suicidal or that I have tablets to take which is kinda funny but also stressful ngl. Omg I asked her today sounding jokingly if I could move out coz my sister was in a mood (like usual, moddy fucking bitch) I'm sorry but she's 11 I started my period at 10 and my mood didn't start changing until I was like 12-13 and that's only to jer coz sje triggers flashbacks and panic attacks, 9/10 when I have them coz sje doesn't remember the stuff that we both went through. Anyways back to the call I was on about so then my mum had to leave for this questionnaire and I was answering and the woman was like 'do you self-harm' and if my mum was there I would have said no but she wasn't so I said yes and sje was like 'are you unhappy' and I said yes and she asked how much and I said all the time. Anyways moving on from that even tho I don't think I have anything more to say, actually nvm. IM GOING TO WALES next week from the 14th to the 20th idk where in Wales but ik its this niceeee bigg ass house by a woods that's also my the beach AND I GET TO COOK FOOD ALMOST EVERYDAY AAAHAHAHAAH. I'm so happy I love cooking and stuff but I can't do it very often I still need to meal plan and stuff and also ong I haven't packed but it's fine. Omg also my mum said we can eat out one day and I said 'can we go somewhere fancy coz I wanna eat lamb again' coz I love lamb but I only eat like 1-2 times a year if I'm lucky. Maybe I should do a chicken dinner, OMG LEMME LOOK WHAT THE DAYS ARE. Ahh it's Monday to Sunday so my brother would complain if I made a Sunday dinner on not a Sunday so nvm, but I want itttt, well tbh he's an ass that complains no matter what I fucking cook even tho everyone else in my family literally negs me to cook for them 'coz I'm so good' like yh cool, I might be good but if you let me use these things called herbs and spices it'd taste nicer but yiur tiny little brain and lack of taste in life has left you stuck with bland ass food that I'm not even allowed to out salt in coz then you all complain! That pisses me off a lot. Omg I'm so excited for Wales, I'll tell you what im even more fucking excited for is not having to deal with my brothers stupid dog for a week. Like he got a dog at 18 (I think) while je jad a full time job and the other of his time he is sleeping or at the club with his friends (there's one in my village). Omg do you ever think 'I'm suicidal idc if i get killed maybe I'll leak my address on the internet' and then think 'oh shit I live with family that maybe I fuckinghate but they are still humans' and then don't. I'll give you a hint, you ready? Yorkshire I live in Yorkshire (like Aether) you can find out where about he lives (Leeds) on the Internet so I'm not gonna say hat I was gonna say but I'll give ya another hint its within 1.3 hours of him (roughly) oh right back to the dog. Yh so u won't have to deal with her for a while.

Omg do you ever just lie forget nearly 4/4 of your day and your life is shit but you still live for a select few people. Omg I'm done with rambling now I wanna read or watch tiktok OMG I JEED TO SHOW YOU A FUNNY ASS AETHER TIKTOK.
TW: unmasked ghoul

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJgE5xMq/

Hehe I've decided I'm gonna post this after I was thinking it through while writing so yh, i hope you enjoyed 😂