ghost band

4

I thought I was getting better... I genuinely thought I was getting better, god I'm so fucning stupid, it never fucking gets better. It's just an illusion, what if all of this is an illusion, nothings real? I'm not over thinking that fuck no I will die I cannot deal with all that rn. I am sick of everything, I genuinely thought I was getting better, how the fuck did I believe that?! It never gets better. Ever. And like I just wanna be dead and I still have my tablets.... just right there, begging for me to take them. Fuck I need to cut rn but I can't 😭. We'll I can, I have my other blades with me but I can't cut my arms and I'm scared to cut my thighs, I'll do it eventually and maybe tonight i will but not rn rn. I cannot deal with all this shit and I'm still holding on, I'm holding onto the hope I'll feel happy again but I doubt it, heyyy I'm alive! I shouldnt be alive. My date was the 22nd at the latest and its the 23rd, greatttttt. Fuck this fuck all of this I hate everything about my irl life so much, I wish I could just move out, I wish I could move out of the country. I hate this country but I love it at the same time. I love the fact that i could move down London or something and start a new life, maybe like dream from __ (a book you should not read if you're mentally ill it fucked me up, like worse than any other book I've ever read has and I've read a lot of books, and oc ik some people are like 'hmm im gonna read it now im deleting the name) my cat has a serious farting problem rn and she stinks coz she's farting so much. I wish my mum would just give me a tiny but of freedom. Like Manchester! I want to go to Manchester to meet my best friend and she's like 'nope I have to go with you' omg I hate my mum, she's the reason I started cutting and she's the reason I keep cutting (along with my sister) and she's the reason why I still wanna cut after she found out. God I hate this so much, I just want Satan to send me one of his demons to take me home, I hate it up here, so fucking much. I can't fucking do this. Also this is something I messaged someone, which is like also how I feel rn
'I'm listening to an old playlist that I listened to/made when I was fucked on those antidepressants and I just remembered how it felt to be like that, why are so many things happening? I'm trying to get better and then something happens and I'm like it's fine I can move on but then something else happens and then something else happens and something else and I hate it, it's like the fucking universe doesn't want me to get better and it's working, i just wanna be gone so badly, I wanna die so fucking badly and don't even see a future anymore, its gone again, and it won't fucking come back, I'm going back down. No matter how hard I fucking tried to be happy I'm just not again so why stick around? I genuinely thought i was getting better this time....'
The context to that is last year I was out on some antidepressants for nerve pain to see if it could give me some pain relief and all it did was fuck with my mind and make me tired and I was on them for months until I overdosed and told my mum (I failed dreadfully, didn't even go to hospital) and she got me taken off of them, still haven't been given anymore pain meds since then... god I'm so sick of everything, I'm sick of feeling trapped inside my own body. I'm a fucking teenager I wanna do things but I'm stuck inside a broken piece of skin and bone and organs and blood n shit. I hate this, I wanna do something stupid and/or illegal, drugs, I wanna do drugs. Everyone's like 'don't do drugs' and then the other everyone else is like 'omg it feels so good when you're high' like I want that! I want to feel something except pain and the weight in my chest and the cloudiness in my head. I hate my brain soo fucking much, like I've gotten fucjing demons living in there, and then one little angel (my younger Christian self) that makes me hate myself so much. Like I'm a satanist I don't care anymore, but my brain makes me care and I don't want to fucking care! I dont. Also because idk people don't believe people aboit shit, I already DIAGNOSED with: depression, generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, c-ptsd, ptsd and ocd. I don't get no fucning help or therapy for anything but I am diagnosed