ghost band

3

I hate everything. Ok lemme be specific, I fucking hate being in pain 24/7 365 days of my life, I am in so much fucking pain all the time like fucking 9/10 pain and if I wasn't going away for a week on Monday I'd fucking end it rn, I'm sick of having no energy because I can't sleep yet in so tired and exhausted, I just want to be normal. If your existing rn and you wake up and your not in pain 24/7 and chronically to exhausted to even message your friends sometimes because the mental energy it takes to do so you don't have then you should be grateful, please be grateful because you never know when something could change and it could all be taken away from you. I never had the best help, with awful asthma and a damaged windpipe hospital was my second home basically when I was younger, nearly dying from chest infections so many times a year. And when I randomly woke up one day with slight back pain I never expected to have that pain get 1000× worse and to be with me for the rest of my life and to be so exhausted isn't funtion, like I'm fucking forgetting English ffs! The only language ik and I'm so tired I can't remember basic fucking words like room and hairbrush and even simpler fucking things than that. I'm so fucking sick of everything and being in so much pain and like I'm 'too young' for sleeping tablets like BITCH YOU ALTEADY GAVE ME GASTRITIS FROM THE TABLETS YOU FUCKING PUT ME ON, IDC IF I LOSE MY ABILITY TO EAT EVER AGAIN IF IT MEANS I CAN SLEEP ITS WORTH IT. Even tho I'm already loosing my ability to eat, my brains fucked I was raised scared of food and ill always hate it I can barely fucking eat, like I love cooking and baking but I don't do it coz then I am supposed to eat it which I just fucking hate doing. My mum told me I look like I've lost weight so clearly I'm not eating enough again but idc this time I'll stick with it and loose the weight I need to and finally be the skinny underweight 'girl' I want to be. It'll take a long time though coz I am overweight like very overweight. I am so fuckin sick of everything in my body and like I'm also too young to be given proper fucking pain meds and with the gastritis it leaves me NOTHING! I can't take antidepressants coz the first one my doctor put me on made me really depressed (ironically) not that I wasn't already depressed but I started cutting around that time and it's too much of a hassle going through all of them to find one that works but nothing fucking works and when I'm old enough I'll just be out on opioids and be not be able to do things cox of medication like I probably won't be able to drive coz I'm on tablets that make me sleepy and ill have to deal with that my whole life. And don't you fucking dare tell me to 'take vitamins' or 'walk more' fuck off Susan or I'll find you and break your spine and see how much you like that. Anyways its 5 am and I can't fucking sleep coz I'm in so much pain, just line every night so I thought I'd basically vent on here, yh I ain't gonna be here much longer but it's whatever at least I'll be free, I'm trying so hard but rn my date it the 21st or 22nd when I get back of holiday (we'll I get back on the 20th but yk) anyways goodnight or day or whatever