ghost band

2

So this is basically my diary now, idk I'm never excited to write in diaries but this idk feels different. I went to this park earlier and I put phone phone in the trousers like against the band coz I didn't have pockets and then ut dropped down a few minutes later and ut was cracked 😭, it's fine it's only the screen protector. But it's perfectly on where the send button is on Instagram but like I said it's fine. Omg I typed that I thought of twilight idk why like the movie. Omg also atm, atm=today my tics (involuntary movements and sounds) have been so much worse and I'm scared of my family seeing. Yh not only that but I've been having vocal tics for the first time since a really bad tic attack back in like December or something, but it's fine. Another random thing but I fucking hate change so much, I miss 2020/2021 dsmp so much it was such a happy time and now its gone but the creaters have changed so much and I kinda stopped watching by accident for a few months so I don't wanna have to catch up, idk wtf is happening with dream atm but ik he un face revealed.

Omg do yk that constant feeling like someone's watching you wherever you go and you can feel their gazy piercing your soul and its horrible and do yk when you know you probably need to be out on a psych ward coz your just getting worse and deep down you know you want to live but it just hurts and I think about suicide 24/7 and the only reason I don't end it despite having what I need is because of my friends and partners and OMG A SPIDER JUST FLEW DOWN ON A COB WEB NEXT TO ME LIKE IT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE LANDED ON ME IF I DIDNT MOVE BUT THANKS TO ME BEING BRAVE ITS IN THE SEWERS NOW. Omg another like paranoia thing is I see things a lot. Like out of the corner of my eye and it's so annoying and scary and idk wtf is wrong with me and I mean I don't watch horror movies but I did watch insidious 1 &2 and I'm gonna watch the rest soon enough but seeing them has made me even more fucking paranoid and I wanna end it so badly rn but ik if I get through tonight I'll feel a tiny but better tomorrow coz I always get worse at night.... every night. Omg I can feel imaginary spinders on me I'm gonna cry. Omg I saw this video of a tiktok creator being like 'ik your having a bad day blah blah blah, why don't you get changed into something comfy and it made me realise that I will never be comfortable because I'm always in pain, clothes don't particularly make it worse but they don't help the pain. Something else that's annoying is I can't even fucking try write chapters with my condition coz the doctors don't know what it is. At first they were like "chronic fatigue syndrome' (which is basically childhood fibromyalgia) and now I'm being tested from rheumatoid arthritis instead coz they didn't do enough tests before diagnosing me with chronic fatigue syndrome so they have to do and if I don't have ra then I'll he tested for multiple sclerosis. I just wanna die so badly I have everything in my irl life. Ugh

Anyways I'm gonna 'relax' even tho I can never relax, do you know something that annoys me is that coz I'm a child my doctor won't give me sleeping tablets but instead she'll fucking recommend I eat a banana WTF IM NOT AETHER AAAAHHH. I just wanna sleep but nooooo I can't sleep because I have FUCKING INSOMNIA (DIAGNOSED AS WELL BY HER) but she can't help me coz I'm a minor and my body doesn't wanna be damaged, aha dumbass my body is already damaged af like I have N-SAIDs induced gastritis because of medication YOU GAVE ME. And also all the sets of antibiotics I've had since I have been a kid coz I have A LOT of chest infections so yh. Anyways goodnight or goodmorning or any other time it might be for you <3