ghost band

7

Wow its been a while since I posted in here, I forgot about it
TW: suicidal ideation, disordered eating, mentions of weight loss, trauma mentions (brief)
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A couple weeks ago the police were called and came to my house and they took away the pills I had. Since then my life has gotten so much worse and I am so tempted to jump in front of a train. There's some tracks like within 30 min of my house and I just wanna jump in front of one so badly. Its either that or jump into a river or something. I'm just so done with everything. I'm such a terrible fucking person, all I do is hurt people. Say the wrong thing do the wrong things and so I barely know anyone and then the people I have no choice in knowing (family) get mad at me for not having friends.

And like idk. I finally had like a little bit of order in my life. Like 'Tuesday camhs, Wednesday sleep, Thursday and Friday school, Friday a club, Saturday babysitting, Sunday usually town with my friend, monday a club' yk routine. Now within the last like 2 weeks every single part of that has stopped almost. And my memory has gone from awful to practically non existent. I just wanna be dead so badly and I'm so done. And like if you've read this please don't comment. I'm sick of hurting people and people trying to help me coz it doesn't help. That's why I'm writing this here not texting a friend coz I feel bad texting my friends.

I was happy a few days ago. I've finally lost weight, I've now lost a total of like 19kg's and I'm so happy. I was walking everyday and eating like 400 kcals, then I got sick and starting binging.

One of my friends went missing today and I spent hours looking with his other friends. He's home safe now though. I showered too, it triggered me. I'm triggered. Most of the time I am. And it's mostly things reminding me of my dad which remind me of someone else to do with my dad which reminds me what they did to me which reminds me what my brother did to me and its like a never ending cycle.

I'm sick of people telling me it's gonna get better too. Like bitch please, maybe itlm get better for you, hopefully. But like it's been a lifetime of this shit. The first time I was sa'd I was 7, I've always had comments on my body by creepy men. My dad then did some shit. Then some other stuff too, I've always been ill too. Then it just got worse. Depression, I've had anxiety since I was like 3 so that's nothing new ig. And it's never gonna end. I mean I'm being suspected of a personality disorder so it really will never end.

I'm so done. I swear I'm gonna do my gcse tomorrow then 'go on a walk' and do something deadly. I'm just so fucking done and I'm in so much mental pain and nobody will fucking help me and I've tried and tried and tried to get help but it never works. And I am just done. I'm not excited for a future anymore because I just don't see one. I don't see me living long enough to get into college, or to move out or to get skinny or anything and I just see me either hanging from a rope or jumping in front of a train and whatever I try if it doesn't kill me then I'll steal some drugs at the hospital or some shit. Or grab a scalpel or something I don't fucking care anymore I need out. I'm so fucking desperate I don't think anybody alive can understand coz everyone who has ever felt like me is dead. Because I am genuinely so desperate to die rn. I'll do anything, I'll fucking get in a creepy ass van or whatever it takes I don't fucking care.

I give up, and I'll be dead soon I promise

Sorry you had to read this