You're the best and the worst ~ Byler

CHAPTER 3 - Mike💙

I stood helplessly staring out of the open door, gawking as Will escaped into the deep sea of trees. Why did I say those things? I behaved like that horrible version of Mike that Vecna showed to Will. The truth is, I didn't regret the kiss. It felt so different than any of the kisses with El felt. It felt incredible, that's what scared me. He's my best friend. But there was this nagging feeling that told me he was more than that.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit....shit," I muttered as panic consumed my mind. I needed to find him, what if Vecna tries to get him again? I darted frantically down the hallway. I needed help now. "Hey, Lucas, Dustin, and El, can I speak to you just one second?" I announced abruptly as I skidded into the main room. "What's this about?" Joyce inquired flashing me a concerned look.

"Um nothing...I've just...lost my bike! Yeah, I've lost my bike and I need these guys to help me find it. Guys please?" I managed to get out, I shot all of them a desperate look.

"Sure, man...we'll help," Dustin spoke hesitantly, I think he understood that this was about more than my bike. "Yeah, come on El," Lucas spoke up awkwardly and beckoned El with his hand. They all followed me swiftly out of the room. We stood crowded at the end of the dust-littered hallway. "Ok, so this isn't actually about a bike...Wills gone. We...we had an argument and he...he went into the woods. I just don't want him...I just don't want Vecna to try and get him again." I explained shamefully. "What was the argument about?" El spoke up suddenly, this was the first time we'd spoken since the breakup. "It...doesn't matter, please guys we need to find him."

"All right, we'll need the Walkman, just in case," Lucas stated to us, and I rushed and grabbed it from Will's bed. "Right, Mike and El you go straight forward through the woods, I'll go right and Lucas you left, Ok? If you find him, shout." Dustin directed us as we raced through the open door. El and I bolted shoulder to shoulder deep into the woods, the winter leaves still scattered underfoot. "Mike, what happened." I ignored her, I couldn't bare to explain how shit I was.

"Will, Will where are you? Will, please I'm so sorry. Will, please let me explain. Will?" I called in desperation. "Will, please!" I stopped and began to massage my forehead to relieve my cracking headache. "Will! Will, it's El, where are you?" She called after me, her breathing was heavy and laced with terror. "Mike, what did you do?"

"It doesn't matter!" I spat, surveying the area frantically.

"He's my brother, I love him. What did you do?"

"I was an asshole that's all! I was an asshole like I always am." I noticed a painful lump in my throat form. She eyed me, I saw hurt and disappointment crease her face. "Its El! Come on, Will! I'm here. Will..." she cocked her head around sharply and indicated in that direction. "I can hear him." She continued. As I rushed after her something came into earshot. A low, weeping whisper sounded from behind a tree. "I tried...to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies...I tried to laugh about it...hiding the...tears in my eyes, 'cause...boys don't cry." It whimpered.

"Will! It's me. It's El." Her tone softened. She bent down gently beside his shaky, curled-up body and wrapped him in her embrace. I stood back, I sensed he didn't want to be near me right now. "Guys, we found Will! He's over here! Guys!" I called triumphantly, raising my chin in the air.

"El, God I'm so sorry. I just...I just needed some air." He muttered miserably into her arms.

"It's fine, we were just worried. We didn't want anything to happen to you." El comforted.

"Hey man, you...ok?" Lucas questioned as he ran into the clearing. Will lifted his gaze up and gave Lucas a downcast nod. Will's eyes were hollow and dark. I properly fucked up. "I'm...I'm so sorry." I manged to let out as El helped Will off the dark, damp floor. He didn't acknowledge me. All of us trampled back through the woods to cabin, the soft crunch of dead leaves sounded under our sneakers.

It was late afternoon by the time everyone left the cabin, I told Mom that I needed to stay to talk to Will, and that I would cycle back when I was finished. I needed to explain. He had been cooped up in his room since we brought him back from the woods. I stood stiffly, my nose almost brushing the door's old wooden surface, and I worked up the courage to raise my voice. "Will...?" I called into the grey oak. I noticed a tiny tremble in my voice. "Will, please may I come in?" there was a pathetic quality in my tone that I hated. The intense guilt and anticipation made my head spin dreadfully. "If you want." He replied. He sounded monotone, almost cold. I pushed the door open with caution to be met with a solemn figure that was my best friend, Will Byers. "Look, I need to explain some things and most of all... apologize. God, I was such an asshole, Will. I'm...I'm just so-"

"I need to explain first." He announced. I was shocked by his forwardness. "Mike, I've liked you since the day you asked me to be your friend on the swings. I felt drawn to you, for some reason, and it was only until middle school that I realized it was more than friendship. You made me feel special for once, wanted. Meeting you was the best and worst thing, that's ever happened to me. You made me realise that I didn't feel the same about girls as all the rest of my friends did and that realization brought me clarity but also a lot of shame. But I haven't stopped feeling this way about you. It's just kept getting stronger over the years and so much more painful. If I could stop it, I promise you I would. I feel disgusting sometimes." He took a deep, tremor filled inhale. "I feel the same way towards you that...Dustin does towards Suzie, or... Lucas feels towards Max. That's why the kiss freaked me out. I know you don't feel the same way about me but...it was just something that I'd thought about for a long time and I thought it would never happen. And it did. And it gave me, I guess hope. Hope, that this guilty feeling I'd been carrying for a long time, someone else was feeling too. It felt nice. And I know you don't and that's absolutely fine. It's just disappointing to know that I could have had something I've wished for a long time, someone I'd wish for...for a long time."

"Oh" Everything clicked. My fucking heart skipped a beat.

"Look, I'm so sorry Mike. I should have told you sooner...I just..."

"No. Stop. Please stop. Don't be sorry. I've been so stupid. I've said some horrible shit, looking back...I should have known. I'm so sorry about the kiss, and about saying you're not normal. And oh god, 'It's not my fault you don't like girls.' I've said some bullshit over the years. Will, please I really don't know what's going on with me. You're my best friend, and I'm...I'm an...an asshole! And I just..."

"Mike, I understand. Let's just stay friends. Friends."

"But I-" I needed to be honest with him too.

"Please can we just stop talking about this? I'm so tired."

"Sure, sorry," I replied. He was obviously exhausted, but I felt like I needed to get something off my chest still; maybe then wasn't the best time. A palpable silence flooded the room. "Oh Will, I just wanted to say, I swear I won't tell anyone about the whole...um...gay thing," I spoke, trying to reassure him. "Thanks." He replied awkwardly, I noticed a sad glint form in his eye.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Will. Sleep well." I yearned to grab him and wrap him in my arms, but I sensed a distance between us. I slipped out the door again. Exited swiftly out into the woods and snatched my bike from the pile of grotty leaf carcasses. I sped home, my mind replaying and analysing this news. Will Byers liked me. Me? And the sad weight in my chest told me I liked him back.