leave me alone

leave me like dad

You speak to yourself quiet and you're sobbing “why do they hate me?..i never did anything to them...”
You sit down at your desk and put bandages on the cuts on your arm

They hurt so much. They make you remember what happened in this room right before your stepbrothers opened the door. You sit on the floor and wrap your arms with the bandages. You feel tears building up in your eyes but you try to hold them back, you don’t wanna let anyone see you cry.

You put the bandages on your arms. The cuts seem to hurt so much now. You put your arms down and try to calm yourself, wiping the tears from your eyes quickly. Then, you hear your stepbrothers laughing in the living room “she’s probably crying in her room right now” one of them says. It’s not like you want them to care, it only makes you feel more lonely.

Your tears won’t stop falling. You’re sobbing and you want to scream and yell, but you stop yourself. You don’t want to bring that much attention to your room. You take a few deep breaths and try to calm yourself down.

You managed to calm down a bit. You look at yourself in the mirror, your eyes are still red from crying. You notice some blood stains on your sweater. You take off the sweater and put it in your hamper. You go and change into a new sweater and sit on your bed, wrapping yourself in a blanket. Your room is quiet as you listen to your stepbrothers laughing.

You stay in the room for a few minutes as you listen to their conversation from the wall. They continue to make comments like “how does she manage to screw up her life so easily?”. “Why is she living with us? She needs to be somewhere else” “I wish she was never in my life”.

Their voices make you angry and hurt. It makes you wonder why they hate you this much.

You look at the clock on your bedside table and see that it's only 4:39 p.m. You continue to listen to their conversation, as they complain about you and make fun of your life. You feel your chest start to ache and your heart start to race. You feel a panic attack building up inside you. You’re overwhelmed by what they’re saying. You just don’t get it. You were just living your life, why did they try to ruin it?

You try to suppress the panic attack as it’s starting to overwhelm you. Your heart starts beating faster and louder and your chest hurts you as you continue to listen to their conversation from your room. “What if I did leave? Nobody would miss me anyway...”

You continue to force your breath, but it just gets harder. Your chest feeling like it’s about to burst. “She’s just going to bring more shame on the family” another one of them mutters. Tears stream down your eyes, and your nose is starting to get runny.

To suppress the sound of your crying you put your face into your pillow. You try and get a hold of your emotions again as you listen to them laugh at you. “The less we see of her, the better” you hear one of them whisper.

You turn on some of your favorite music and try to block out the sound of them laughing at you in the next room over. You try and enjoy the music as you continue to calm yourself down, the music makes you feel better. You listen to your fav Song called *your fav song* as you try to make your emotions stable again.

Music makes you feel safe and happy. Music never hurts you or criticizes you. Music makes you feel better and gives you hope. It helps distract you from everything going on in your life. It brings comfort to you

You continue to listen to music as you lay on your bed. After awhile, you hear the front door open and shut. And a few minutes later you hear the sound of someone coming upstairs. You don’t feel like getting up and talking to your mother, as she hasn’t really been a great mom to you. You just lay in bed and continue listening to music.

You notice the door slowly open. You continue to listen to music as you turn your head slightly to see your mother walk in. She notices you laying in bed listening to music as she walks over to you. She stands at the foot of your bed “what are you doing?” She asks in a serious tone.

Your mother notices how red your eyes are and that they’re runny. She notices the marks on your arm with bandages as they’re visible on your short sleeve shirt. She looks at you in horror as she sits on your bed next to you. “Did you hurt yourself?” She asks worried “are you okay?”. She starts to take off the bandages on your arm to see how bad it is.

“Mum..I'm fine really..I just cut myself in cooking class at school today.”
You take your hands off your bandage

“Don’t lie to me Haneul” she says “how did you do this?” She asks in a worried tone as she looks at the cuts on your wrist. “Don’t take my bandages off please” you say in a scared tone. She stops to look at you “are you doing this because your stepbrothers say mean things to you?” She asks “please don’t hurt yourself” she says as tears fall from her eyes

“I didn't do it because my of them, really. It happened in class” You answers

“I don’t believe you” your mom says “I know you had a hard day. But don’t try to avoid my questions” she says. You begin to shake with fear as she uncovers your arm and sees the cuts “what is wrong with you Haneul!” She yells in shock “these are deep cuts!”

“Do not yell at me!” You start getting tears in your eyes again

Your mom looks at you with a furious look on her face “I can yell at you as I please” she yells “this is what happens when you’re around people who constantly bully you and don’t even care about your feelings.” She looks at you in disappointment as she wipes the tears from your eyes. Her eyes are brimming with tears as she seems heartbroken. “I can’t believe you’d let them get to you this much” she says “I’m here to see how you’re doing and it just crushes my heart.”

You dont answer her and you stay quiet

“Haneul, don’t ignore me” your mom begs you “I’m your mother and it’s my job to make sure you’re okay, don’t just push me away like that” she says trying to comfort you. “Don’t be one of those girls who cut themselves over small things” she says. “Your stepbrothers aren’t gonna ruin your life” she says but you don’t believe her. “Don’t do this to yourself just because people are cruel to you”

You don't answer again

Your mom’s face is full of tears as she keeps talking to you “Haneul it saddens me seeing you like this. You can’t just let anyone control your emotions” “don’t let them break you” “if your stepbrothers are mean to you, you don’t have to do things to make yourself feel pain” she says. “I want to hear you promise me you won’t do something stupid again like this”

You shrug your shoulders

Your mom looks at you shocked “Haneul, don’t just shrug, talk to me and promise me.” She says looking at you. “You need to communicate to me, I can’t just leave you alone” she says. “Do you promise not to hurt yourself?” She asks you again in a quiet tone.

“Just leave me like dad did!” you answered