Clandestine

My patience is running thin, mon amour

The music still played loudly but to Dazai and Chuuya who were busy appreciating eachother, it was nothing but background noise, irrelevant and muffled.

Neither wanted to acknowledge how they behaved or the things they said to each other.

Chuuya, even in the euphoric state he was in, could still hear the doubtful and unhappy voice in the back of his head.

'You'll hurt gim again, you'll break his heart. Stop leading him on you coward'

"Osamu?" The other didn't look at him but Chuuya somehow knew to continue. "Am I hurting you? Am I hurting your feelings?" He wondered if Dazai would tell him the truth, because Dazai's didn't know that he loved him back.

Dazai huffed and then took a drag of his cigarette, exhaling the smoke by the side of Chuuya's head, "Will you ask questions?"

"No. I just want to know if I am."

"Then yes. But it's a type of hurt I've been dealing with for years and years now. Just stay the same way you are now."

Neither elaborated on what they meant or why they asked anything that they did.

Both of them not wanting to unveil the fact they were in love with each other. But Chuuya was already very much aware that Dazai loved him and his answer further solidified that.

They went back into the party and unwanted distance slithering it's way between them.

Both of them were drowning in the consequences of their own actions. Dazai had said too much and Chuuya had done too much. They weren't behaving like best freinds and Chuuya was slowly teetering on the edge of being a cheater.

Now he found himself sat on one of the couches, drink in his hand paired with Sara's vape, he watched Dazai through the crowd as he sat and laughed with Ranpo and Fyodor.

He took a drag from the vape and exhaled, running his hands through his hair, the alcohol was beginning to ware off and all that was left was bitter regret. He was leading Dazai on, he was going to hurt him again-

He took a large gulp of vodka, then looked at the cup, realising that he was fucking up again. He put the cup down and went to give Sara her vape back.

If he stayed any longer and thought any more, he'd drink himself into an abyss again.

"I'm going to go home."

Sara looked at him, face laced with concern, she took his hands in her own and analysed him carefully, "already? You feeling alright? You look a little pale."

"You know how I had the best fucking time of my life just now but I was drunk and I fucked up... and now-"

"You're feeling guilty?"

"Yeah."

"You shouldn't feel guilty for having a good time."

"I... but Dazai.. I'm-" he didn't know what to say, he didn't know why he felt so guilty for having genuine fun.

Sara dove in to hug Chuyya, "Fucking Shirase," she huffed and then pulled away, looking at him sadly "of course you're gonna think having a good time will lead to a bad outcome, that's all that's been happening when it comes to Dazai but trust me when I say. What happened tonight between the two of you is a good thing, a blessing," she paused and held up her phone "and I'm expecting a saucy post with all the pictures and videos Yosano took."

Chuuya sighed, hoping and praying, "I just hope Dazai isn't mad at me."

Sara cast her gaze towards Dazai and then began a swift walk towards him before Chuuya could stop her.