Stargazing flowers (on Amazon)

Grief

Oh the grief was just starting to settle in on my mind as I wanted to know where he was.  He also promised to be there for our love child.  The little child was named Lilly and she was starting to look like me, but a lot like him.  I saw him when ever she turn to face me.  She had my profile and his facial features, especially those sad eyes of his.  She was would never know about her father, and that added to the greif.  It was so fucking painful, to see him in her.  I fears that she had all his traits.  But maybe she will grow out of them.  But  each and every day I was looking not at Lilly but instead at a girly version of her father.  I couldn't bare to see her so I had a nanny or my mom to take care of her and that was when I was too emotional to deal with anything.  What a mistake it was for me to be with fox on my birthday problem is that everything he said was sweet nothings. The grief was real.  And it was traumatic.  I was looking forward to the fact that my mom would be caring for her when I was going to pre med school. 

There I was able to get loss in dorm life and as well as my studies.   Soon I would find some one there who was going to help...... we'll sort of.  His name was Brandon, my teaching doctor.  He was darkly handsome and was friendly.  I instantly fell in love.  The second we had some alone time he kissed me sweetly and deeply. 
"You like Love Scully?" He asked.
"Yes kiss me again, Dr. Igore. "
"Its Brandon." He said coming in for another kiss.
We made out for the better time of an hour.  Then Brandon noticed my eyes.
"Your eyes, are beautiful but hold a lot of pain!" He said holding me.  "I can be there for you."
"Really," I said. 
This started the first relationship I had since  fox, but soon I was moving into into his home.  He helped with my studies and would whisper in my ear loving and supportive things.  How could I wait for fox. 
"You know you look like Gillian Anderson," he said winking at me.
"And I want to run my fingers through you hair and kiss you." I murmured.
"Hot!"
I bit my lip.  I was starting feel urges that I did not thing about.  Only one thing my dorm roommate and my bestie (new bestie) did not know about me and Brandon.  She must've been worried.

I called her and told her that everything was good that I was fine when Brandon kissed me ear and started to say suggestive things. 
"Gotta go"
"Let's go somewhere and be naughty," Brandon said.  "I can satisfy you as I examine you."
"Really," I said seductively.   "But where?"
"You will find out." He said. 
We waalked back to teaching hospital and made our way to the morgue. Why the morgue.....I did not think.  It seemed morbid but I soon got the romantic vibe from it.  It was quite and secluded. He took off his clothes and started to undress me as he kissed me.  
"Fuck, Brandon." I said. 
"Come and lay on the autopsy table," he said. " I want to ravage you on there."
He started to kiss me in places I didn't even know existed.  Soon I he kissed my chin and the in the mouth.  I was trying not to moan to load when he entered me. 
"Do you have any kids? Love" he asked as he was thrusting in to me.
"Yes, but I don't want to talk about it."
"Oh their names!"
"Lilly"
"How do you feel about her living with her mom."
"Ok I guess."
"We can make our own." He said . " she. Will have brothers and sisters. At the rate we're at."

The idea of giving Lilly I father figure would be nice but I wanted her to know her real father.  It saddens me that fox was still missing.  I did not even want to deal with the way she looked.
"Let's just make our own kids." I said.  "Besides she is with her grandma."
"Oh ok."
That is when I wrote the hardest letter in my life

Lilly sweetie
My name is love.  And I am your actual mother, and I want to introduce my self.  But I can't tell you that you will be a wonderful person.  I am a complex young lady and I have many issues.  I am a doctor, and I am in love with your father.....but Madelyn in love with my teaching doctor, Brandon.  I gave up looking for your father....but still keep him close to my heart.  
Please just for get me don't even look for me.

Love

As I was writing this letter I was crying so much that it was watermarked with my tears.   I just hope my mom would understand the letter.  And not be upset.  The idea that I was dating someone twice my age would be upsetting to her.  But I had to cut all ties. 
So that was it I broke the promise as much as fox did.  And I was starting new.  But fox still haunted my dreams, as he was begging me to come back to him.  And I saying I did not know where he was.
The grief was so bad that I couldn't look my own daughter in the eyes and say I am with another man.  But she would find some way to find me.  After all we did have Facebook and social media.  And I was on Facebook.  But will she know how to use it.  At some point yes.   So I put my profile picture of mulder and Scully as  way draw attention away from my self.   My mom would be pissed. And when I got a phone call she said that I was horrible.