Subdue-X

Collision In The Blindspot

I walked up to the elevator of our downtown complex and stared at the doors. Pin locked the main entrance to the building and pulled down the roll shades in the lobby. I was assuming Christian was upstairs. 

I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone with Christian today. Some days, that's all I want. Other day, I felt safer alone. I crossed my arms as the doors opened for us. Pin started to walk in and noticed my legs not following. He put his hand over the doors so they wouldn’t shut. I took a shaky inhale and got in with him. 

We swung open the glass doors to the living quarters and Chris once again was slumped over his desk and laptop. He looked up only to look back down in seconds. I did what I do best in these situations and I shifted my body away from him and walked away half closing my eyes as I shoved down my distress. 

It was obvious I wasn’t wanted at the moment, I questioned if it was normal to always feel unwanted.  I entered the bedroom and rolled down the roller blinds and stood in the room I was once entrapped in. Going insane with the thoughts of no emotions. Now I’m flooded with them and I don’t understand what has changed.

The door swished open and I felt anger surge through my body, “not now,” I stated abruptly.

“I only really have ‘right now’,” Christian said matter of factly.

I twisted around to face him and he couldn’t even look at me, “what did I do this time,” I asked bitterness dripping from my tongue.

He didn’t bite back, he just buried a hand into his pocket. He’s always done that when he’s uneasy, “nothing.”

“Why can't I believe that?” I responded softly. More than anything, I wanted to believe that.

“It’s me,” he declared bitterly, “and this job-”

“-is it the job,” I shot back at him but bowed my head lowering the volume in my head, “or is it how you do it.”

He took a moment to think about it, “there's no right way of orchestrating this job-”

“You’re the manager, can you at least find ways to make it…make sense?”

He scoffed, “I’m not a manager Ana, I’m just the player who has a hand to move the pawns.”

“What’s stopping you from sorting through the pawns, to make it easier?”

He rocked toe to heel attempting to stay open minded at what I was saying. To be honest I’m not sure I was being helpful. I don't know anything. 

"There's always a larger hand that tells what the big hand can handle and what the big hand can’t.”

I choked and swallowed my bottled up emotions. Seeing him so tired and at a loss that he was actually hoping I’d have something useful to say, “and what does the large hand say you can’t do?" 

“Save you," his lip quivered, “and that's all I've been trying to do," his voice shrunk, his words were small, “and it won't let me." 

I pressed the back of my hand over my mouth as the realization overcame me. I bit my lip feeling desolate, “I don’t need you to save me,” I replied, my voice grinded down to dust along with his, " I just want you with me," Tears gathered in my eyes, “I feel like no one is ever here.”

My words seem to actually jar him slightly, “do you really feel like that?”

I didn’t want to admit it seeing as his guard had dropped down now, “I don’t have anyone to talk to,” I inhaled a shaky silent sob, " and not just about the big things but just the small things in life. The I read a book today and learnt this, or I went to make breakfast and broke a plate… and the weather is stupid, I wish it were warmer.”

I put my arms down by my sides feeling weak from giving in to all this emotion for so long, “It’s too hard to always feel so…different.”

I noticed Pin leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed and face tilted downwards, “it’s not easy, not at all” he paused and contemplated his next choice of words, “but what would you ask of life if it were easy?”

I scoffed somberly. Lost for words or a reply. I couldn't imagine a life that was simple; easy.

“Where’s the challenge,” he answered for me, keeping his eyes on the floor. He’s not one for sentiment. He says things that are factual. But this was a lesson that struck me sideways. Collision in the blindspot.

“Life shouldn't be this challenging… “

“If it were less challenging, all of this wouldn't be worth it.”

“Who it's worth it for?" I gave Christian a short glance. He’s been battling with his own demons. Who was Pin battling and who had the largest hand dealing all the cards? Who was carving these demented paths?

“Now you’re asking questions that don’t have straightforward answers, that's like asking time why it only moves forward.”

Silence settled between us all, I sat down on the bed still wearing the dead man's jacket. It wasn't torn or ruined in any way but it wreaked of old hay and paint thinner. 

“Chris, make sure she rests,” Pin began to leave us to ourselves. Both of us a crumpled ball of paper and ash, becoming moldy after a rainstorm. We were pathetic tonight.

“I’m done resting.”

“Well there isn’t much you can do about that,” Pin mentioned dully before exiting behind the glass wall.

Christian went to his desk and returned back, scuffing his socks across the carpet. He handed me a samsung tablet, “I know writing helps you process. You’re a good writer. ”

With that he clicked on a lamp on my bedside and left me alone once again. But the door was left open to assure me I wasn’t their captive this time. I observed the document account and saw the text cursor blinking on a blank white page. 

Christian’s fingers were typing like a machine in the next room. Mine were like stone, stiff and stuck in time.

The sun was starting to rise through the cracks between the roll down blinds over the windows. I swung my legs out of the bed and opened the glass balcony door and stood and stared at the traffic below. Normal people starting, performing and completing normal events. Something I haven’t done in so long. 

The wind held a chill so I walked back in and decided to do an ordinary task. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I stripped out of my cotton shorts and tank top, and dropped the weighted sweater over the floor. I let the warm water run off my skin. I sat down on the floor and shut my eyes. Remembering what it was like to be a boring typical person. A blank page.

I imagined what I would say to an ordinary person.

I didn’t sleep well last night, I took a shower this morning and I don't know what I’m going to do today… 

And I'd mean It.