Subdue-X

A Less Bloody Way To Go

The rain fell in sheets, but I didn’t care. The coldness against my skin was nothing compared to the void inside me. I pressed my back into the rough concrete wall, feeling its unyielding surface as if I could anchor myself to something solid amidst the storm raging inside me. His midnight shirt drenched from the rain and blood was clenched tightly around my body, a desperate attempt to hold onto some part of him, even though he was already gone. I had taken it from him, slipping it over my frigid, bare skin. It felt wrong and yet... fitting. How appropriate that it would rain on such an occasion, as if the heavens themselves were mourning with me.

Stumbling to my feet, weak and shaking, I forced myself to move. Each step felt heavier than the last, as though the grief was sinking deeper into my bones. My vision blurred as I made my way down the stairs, my breath ragged, and I collapsed into his desk, clawing at the papers like they were the source of my agony. They tore beneath my fingers, and I relished the destruction. It was all I had left to control.

I threw his laptop against the wall, the sharp crack of the impact reverberating in the empty space, but the sound didn’t register. It was drowned out by the roar inside my head. His phone was next, and I slammed it repeatedly against the desk until my fingertips and palms split open, bleeding onto the shattered screen, this phone did him in, that…notification sound. My hands were numb, the pain a distant echo as I swept everything off the desk with one violent motion, scattering fragments of his life across the floor.

My chest heaved, the fire in my eyes a cruel contrast to the icy rain that continued to fall outside. I tore open his drawers, one by one, until they broke, falling onto my toes with dull thuds. I didn’t flinch. The numbness had spread.

Then, in the chaos, something small rolled out with a rattle. It was a sound that cut through everything—through the madness, the fury, and the overwhelming grief. I hesitated, my breath catching in my throat, and reached out with bloodied hands. The small white bottle lay in my palm, unmarked and anonymous, but I knew. My thumb traced under the lid, trembling as I flicked it open. The same transparent blue tablets, Neuromodulon.

A laugh escaped my throat, bitter and hollow, as I dragged myself to the rooftop. The rain had soaked me through, but I barely noticed anymore. My body was moving on its own, a puppet pulled by invisible strings. I clutched the leftover white wine in one hand, the bottle of pills in the other, and sank to the pebbled pavement. It felt jagged and uncomfortable beneath me, but I welcomed it. Pain was grounding, even if it wasn’t the right kind.

I poured both glasses, hands shaking as the liquid sloshed over the edges. His glass remained untouched, sitting on the concrete. I glanced at it, hollow.

I looked at him, or what remained of him, his scent still lingering in the air—Dior Sauvage and the sharp tang of metallic blood. I held out my palm, showing the pills, “A little less… messy. Just unfortunately a bit slower.” My voice was hoarse, gravelly, barely my own.

I tilted them to my lips, hesitating as if waiting for something—anything—to stop me. “I’m sure this isn’t what you meant by running away,” I muttered bitterly. The words burned in my throat, choking on their truth. “But it’s close enough.”

The pills hit my tongue, bitter and sharp. My body rebelled, gagging them back up, but I forced them down with a mouthful of wine. It burned, and I coughed, tears blurring my vision again, though I wasn’t sure if they were from the pills or the grief strangling me.

I wasn’t ready to die. Not really. My body knew it, even if my mind was screaming for release. Tears streamed down my face, mingling with the rain, soaking into his shirt. His blood was drying on my skin, sticky and cold, making my cheeks, my neck, my forehead itch with the residue of death. I placed my empty wine glass next to his full one. My hand trembled as I bumped the rims together. The soft chime echoed in the stillness and cut straight through me, like a final goodbye.