Subdue-X

That Old Stairwell

A Brief Picture of the Very Beginning...

I sat in the upstairs stairwell of the high school, the smooth white brick walls surrounding me. Everything about this place was painfully sterile, boring even, like it had been designed to make you feel as small and insignificant as possible. The steps beneath me were cold, hard against my skin, but I didn’t care. It was quiet here—no teachers, no students, just the sound of my own breathing echoing in the emptiness. I had skipped classes again. But it didn’t matter anymore. I was already failing, and part of me had stopped caring a long time ago.

I stared out the small window at the end of the stairwell. The sky was impossibly blue, a clear, perfect stretch that seemed to go on forever. It looked so peaceful, so calm, like it belonged to another world entirely. I studied it, wondering what it must be like to feel that way—to feel like you had your whole life ahead of you. The people down in the classrooms below, they probably felt that way. They had futures, dreams, things that made them wake up in the morning. But me? I was just going through the motions.

I hadn’t really slept in days, not since the late-night runs with Christian had started again. His voice haunted my thoughts even now, like an echo that wouldn’t fade. He kept pushing, pulling me deeper into his world, and I let him. It wasn’t like I had much of a choice. Every night with him drained something out of me, left me feeling more hollow than the last. I’d lay awake after, staring at the ceiling, trying to understand how I had ended up here—two years after graduating, sitting in this same boring stairwell, still trying to upgrade my courses, still pretending I had a shot at any of this. My career was already booked. Waiting for me to be released from this society.

I leaned back against the railing, my head resting against the smooth white brick behind me. The sky outside felt like a cruel joke, so bright, so untouched by everything inside me. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t handle it. The classes, the pressure, the feeling of falling apart at the seams. But really, that wasn’t the worst of it.

The worst part was knowing that I never stood a chance to begin with.

Even before Christian, before the sleepless nights and the secrets, I had known. Deep down, there was always this gnawing feeling inside of me, this quiet understanding that I wasn’t ever going to have a normal life. I saw it in the way the other students moved, how they laughed, how they talked about their futures, their plans. I watched them from a distance, and I just knew. They had lives to look forward to. I didn’t.

I hadn’t even realized it back then, not fully. But now, sitting here in this stairwell, it hit me like a punch to the gut. Maybe it was the way I was wired, maybe it was something else, but I knew from the start I wasn’t meant for the normal things—the job, the family, the happily ever after. Even when I tried to act like I could be part of that world, something deep inside me had always known the truth.

I wasn't someone who was well known in these walls and I doubt anyone wanted to know me. I shouldn't get to know someone anyways. I wouldn't be able to stick around. This world I was temporarily sitting inside was going to be pulled right out from under me. I'd be existing at a distance of everything and everyone. Even when I sat beside them or across from them, they'll have no idea of the second body inside me.

The sky outside was still blue, still mocking in its perfection. It didn’t belong to me, that calmness, that normalcy. It never had. And now, after everything, I was certain of it. My life was Christian’s world now, the late nights, the danger, the fear. That’s what I was made for. That’s what I was stuck with. There was no going back.

I sighed, letting my head fall back against the wall again. I couldn’t pretend anymore. I was never going to have a normal life. But the truth was, I had known that long before any of this had even started.