My lifesaver

6: Ella

I walked out after I got my coffee, still thinking about him. Why would he be staring at me, he must hate me right? But I am tired so I am heading home as fast as I can so I can play guitar to get calm in my head. Tomorrow my exams start and I studied so much the last couple of weeks that I hadn't had a lot of time to play guitar. I think it is gonna be okay but I have a big fear of failure. So after I get calmer I am heading to bed early so I can do some early morning studies for my exam.

I have finished my first exam. It went okayish but I don't really know for sure. I can't wait to hear the result. I would love to make my parents proud, maybe they will see then that I am a good daughter.

My week goes by with a lot of studying and taking exams. Time did go so fast and it is time to go to my therapist again. We talked about my self harm and why I always feel like I am a failure. She told me that it is not true and that I am doing good, but I am not sure if I believe that. Nobody has ever really liked me I think. I have always been bullied till I was fifteen and I had a toxic best friend from when I was eleven till I was fifteen. So that has really gotten to me, she always told me everything was my mistake even if it wasn't. But I realized this too late when it has gotten too much for me. Wherever I go I hear her voice in the back of my mind saying: "It is Ella's fault this happened", "Ella always does everything wrong she can't even do this.

But let's move on before I get too sad. I don't want to cry in front of people. I am on my way to the cafe now to grab a coffee and read a book to relax and take my mind off everything for a while. At the cafe I don't see him, so I am happy no more someone staring at me where I have to worry about. No more doubts if there is something wrong with me.

After a peaceful hour of reading and taking a bit of time for myself I am relaxed. So I go home and go back to the real world. I need to get ready for my last exams. I need three more to finish and then hopefully I finally have vacation. I am excited for the vacation but on the other hand not so because we are going to the sea and then people can see my scars. But that is a worry for later let's first get it over with this stress. So let's focus on school.