My lifesaver

7: Robin

I know she always comes to the cafe every monday, and I will be there every time to see her but not today. I was at school the whole day and didn't have the time to grab a coffee and study. I found it disappointing cause I would love to finally give her my number. It is weird right how obsessed I am about her. Normally my anxiety would already be going so hard I could not even stand up to give my number to someone. But with her it feels like my anxiety has totally gone away.

Anyways today I couldn't go and study because I was too busy at school. It was around six pm when I left school and I needed to travel for another half hour before I even did get home. Then I grabbed food so of course my parents weren't home they never are. I think they find their friends more important than me. So it has almost always been me and my dog Coco. But now I'm going to study and finish my exams. Friday morning I have my last one.

When I wanted to celebrate that we finished our exams with Finn last Friday, I got a call from home. My grandma got a stroke and she wasn't well. If I wanted to say goodbye I must come to the hospital right now. So I rushed down as fast as I could and she died that day with me by her side. She was the one who I could trust but now she's gone.

So last Monday I did nothing else than hide in my bed for the whole day and grieve a little. I kind of relapsed a little bit with my self harm but I needed something to deal with my emotion. Because when I came down stairs to seek a bit of support from my parents, yes they were home you wouldn't believe it, but they looked weird and yelled at me for crying. Only weak boys cry said my dad and my mom yelled it was a couple days ago leaving the past behind man.

Today was her funeral. It was a beautiful ceremony. They showed all her beautiful moments. I even pushed my anxiety away and gave a little speech about how I love her and she will always be in my heart. Here is the speech i gave:

This is not bye grandma, cause I will never say bye to you. You will always be in my heart. But before I let you go, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being in my life and loving me. Thank you for all the memories we have made, I will never forget those and cherish every moment we have made. And I am sure I am not the only one who says thank you, because there are a lot of people here and they are here for you. But my biggest thank you for teaching me how to manage my anxiety a little bit because without you I would never stand here in front of all those people. But I do it with all my love and admiration for you. Maybe we have to say bye to all the future plans we had made but let's not throw all the beautiful memories away. I love you grandma and I'll see you soon in my memories.

It had me in tears and not only me, the whole group who was there for the ceremony. I will do everything for my amazing grandmother who was more like a mother to me than my own mother. It was a hard week but it is going to be alright. I will be alright. For now I am going to rest a little. I didn't sleep well last week, so goodnight.