"SIXTEEN CANDLES"

"PLANNING THE F WORD"

This day was not good for me at all, I wanted to just run away. But my two living children needed me, and somehow I pushed through. I had to be strong for them, and so in their presence and over the phone I had to be their rock. I had to camouflage and poker face my depression and emotions, and because of my love for them I was able to pull it off.
But when I was alone, and/ or with my girlfriend I was a wreck. A massive train wreck, if not for some sleeping pills to keep me calm and to help me sleep. I don't even wanna imagine how I would of coped with the existence of my life at that point, in my painful, nightmarish, debilitating state.
I visited my sons girlfriend to check on her, and she told me that my Eli told her that I was his best friend. She went on to tell me that Eli would say to her,watch this I'm gonna ask my mom for some money. At first she's gonna say that she don't have any, but around five minutes later or so she's gonna say here boy. I so remember doing that (hahahaha), that made me smile. But then she told me that Eli told her that, he wanted to go before me, because he wouldn't know how to deal with it. Now that brought tears to my eyes.