Into the Mind and Through the Heart

The Mirror

When I look into the mirror,

I don't recognize who she is anymore

Once a girl, so full of life

Now void of color.

Sallow cheeks,

Dark under eyes,

Looking like she hasn't slept in weeks.

Underweight but thinking otherwise

Stomach full of scars

From a man who destroyed her soul.

A girl who grew up being told

"Eat more"

 "You need some meat on your bones"

 "Are you starving yourself?"

At the age of 11,

I hadn't known what it was like to hate my body.

At the age of 13,

I started listening to them telling me

How I should look

At the age of 15,

I started eating more than normal

To the point where I made myself sick,

And my mom noticed

But I couldn't tell her,

It would have destroyed her

At the age of 17,

I started gaining weight,

It was needed but I didn't see it that way.

 At the age of 19,

The man I loved the most,

The man I trusted with everything I had,

 Took my biggest insecurity,

And turned it against me.

Made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

Just because I didn't look like the Instagram models.

Because I had gained 10 pounds

At the age of 19,

For the first time, in 6 years, I was finally

FINALLY

Comfortable in my own skin

And it came crashing down.

When I sat in the bathroom

Crying and clawing at my stomach

Until I saw red.

June 16th, 2022.

The first time I ever harmed myself.

Now I'm 20,

And still hurting.

Still hating how I look in the mirror.