Illusion

Birthday

Hello! It's me again. 

Been a while since I came here, I was a literal child or teenager you might say when I started this whole concept of self-hatred book for the depressing kids out there. Just to make myself think that lots of people felt the way I felt and that you're not alone.

I'm twenty-four now, exactly on this day, the 24th of August. Kinda looks cool right? The birthdate and my age aligned so well. But let me tell you something.

Growing up sucks. Yes, you've heard it right, it sucks. Big time.

Why? Because at some point you'll realized that all you've ever dreamt of didn't really came true lol. It was all a dream and you might never make it came true. I've realized the life I've wanted since I was a kid probably never came true. I'm fucking 24 now and nothing changes in my life, everything still sucks.

But you wanna know what part that I thought the most depressing part? When I used to think that birthday's is kinda special because it's the day when I actually know someone cared for me because they took their time out to say 'Happy Birthday' to me. This year? Today? None lol.

Apart from my parents and brothers - which they always be the first to say happy birthday to me and never misses ever - this year none of my so-called "friends" that has texted me saying happy birthday. While I remember every single of their birthday, turns out no one remembers mine.

It's currently 5:17 PM as I wrote this and I still got nothing when the day is almost over. Guess I was never that important or even worth remembering.

I always knew that I never had a lot of friends, I knew that my existence wasn't that important to anybody. I wasn't an antisocial but sometimes I might seemed like one. Maybe that's why no one wanted to take their time to actually get to know me or even stay as a long-long-long time friend.

I have a few that I consider my very own bestfriend, the ones I love dearly and kept in my heart at all times. But times like this, moments when I've considered as a special occasion - although I realized birthdays aren't that special - opened my eyes into thinking that, no, they didn't think of me as their bestfriend. Because in my very own definition of bestfriend or someone you hold dearly in your hearts are someone worth wasting your time on just to give them a little gifts, a little congratulations letter or even a small words of happy birthday.

Once again, growing up sucks when you realized that you've always gonna be alone. Doing things alone was not a problem to me but times like this I just don't want to think that I'm alone.

This is the longest entry I've wrote. The moment when I no longer able to say I'm still a teenager. Well, the last entry was in 2021, wasn't the age to say I'm still a teenager anyway but I still feel young at the moment and didn't think I've fully grown yet. Now feels different.

This is also kind of the first I wrote an entry more like a diary type of style. It feels nice to let it all out I guess.