Love You Secretly [MTL]

Ch 41

41

Two people walked across the room, one behind the other, and sat down in different places.

Tao Xi was sitting on the chair in front of the writing desk, while Shang Huaiqing was sitting on the sofa not far from her, just like when he came to her house to see the cat for the first time, they were not far or close.

But it doesn't bode well for a once-close lover to return to his old self.

After sitting down, Taoxi didn't say anything, but silently looked at the snow outside the window. There was a heavy snowfall in Qingbei two days ago, and it hasn't melted yet.

Shang Huai glanced at her side face, remembering the first time she came here, she also looked out of the window silently, but that time it was obvious that she was very nervous, but now there is no emotion on her face, It also looks very strange.

The two were silent for a while, but he took the initiative to ask: "Are you busy recently?"

Tao Xi turned her head, her eyes were cold but filled with compassion: "Fortunately, I just had an operation and I am recuperating at home. "

In the end, I told him about the surgery.

At this time, the two of them had been disconnected for more than half a month, and the relationship became weaker and weaker, and even returned to the relationship of ordinary friends, so it didn't matter whether he knew about it or not.

Didn't even care if he blamed himself for not being there for her.

Shang Huaiqing paused for a moment, he didn't know how to react for a while, when he came, he thought he was too busy and ignored Taoxi, that's why she got into a fight with him and ignored him.

It's just that he never thought that she would hide such a serious matter. It was hard for him to imagine, and he didn't even dare to think about how she survived these days alone.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I called to tell you, but you hung up on me that day."

As soon as the words were spoken, Taoxi regretted it. I remember that he came back in time to accompany her during the rainy summer, and even remembered that when she was at a loss in front of the editor of the publishing house, he appeared in time to cheer her up. She remembered everything, but the resentment that had grown in her heart now But it also ruthlessly devoured his good things.

Her tone also sounded like she was blaming him, and her emotions gradually began to get a little out of control.

After listening to her, Shang Huaiqing froze there. Recalling the sudden call from Taoxi that day, she was indeed a little abnormal. After the call was connected, she didn't say a word.

It turned out that during the short period of silence, she was adjusting her emotions. Those silences may be because she was extremely sad, or she was flustered and overwhelmed.

In the end, she just hung up the phone silently.

It was only now that he realized how much she needed him back then, but he ignored her and even agreed to video chat with her later on the phone because he was busy until midnight that day. And before it was too late, he actually forgot afterwards that even though he didn't do it on purpose, he still hurt her in the end.

Thinking of this, Shang Huaiqing only felt a pang in his heart.

He licked his dry lips slightly, and wanted to say something, but for a moment he didn't know what to say, but his eyes were slightly red with sadness.

Seeing his appearance, Tao Xi suddenly felt uncomfortable, she turned her face away, and couldn't bear to look at him again.

But he made up his mind to formally break up with him and said: "Actually, it's not your fault, and you don't need to blame yourself too much, but from now on, let's just let it go like this, I'm not suitable for you." I thought I had calmed down for more than half a

month , the relationship gradually changed from strong to weak, even if the word "breakup" is not said personally, each other will understand tacitly that the relationship between the two lovers has reached an irretrievable point.

But when she said it herself, Taoxi didn't expect to be so sad, but when she thought about how she had given up on Shang Huaiqing little by little in the past half a month, the pain was like a blunt knife cutting flesh, no matter how sad she was, She didn't want to look back either.

"Taoxi, the person I like is you, no matter whether it's suitable or not, I like you." Shang Huai looked at her profile and tried his best to redeem her.

"But when I needed you the most, you were not by my side." Tao Xi said to Shang Huaiqing while turning her head.

The words almost blurted out, and the tone was not very friendly. It sounded like blame, but it was more like accusation.

At the same time as these words were spoken, the little rationality left in her heart also disappeared.

And those previously suppressed emotions that were about to explode in my heart also seemed to be torn open at this time.

Even when she saw Shang Huai's red eyes and bewildered look, Tao Xi didn't feel sorry for him anymore, she had no pity for him, only complaining.

More or hate.

Shang Huaiqing sat there blankly, at a loss like a child, but he was very reluctant to part with Taoxi in his heart. After all, he was still red-eyed, and tried to persuade him in an almost begging tone: "This time It's my fault, I failed to notice your emotions in time, I'll get rid of it later, okay?"

But even though he was so submissive, Tao Xi never softened his heart because of his words.

In her heart, the current lover relationship with Shang Huaiqing is like a jelly thrown on the ground. The harder she picks it up, the more likely the jelly will crumble between her fingers, and there is no hope in sight.

It is also particularly annoying.

Once irritability arises, it will only spread rapidly, and it will also bring out the extreme discomfort that was suffocated in Taoxi's heart a few days ago.

In the strange hotel in Longwu City, the farewell that no one knew about, the reluctance to part but also the uncontrollable resentment towards Shang Huaiqing, no one cared about her loneliness in the strange city, all the emotions were mixed together, It was as if a tsunami swept across her heart ferociously.

The anxiety when she was alone in the hospital, just a video of Shang Huaiqing's made her miss him, but when she was suffering from missing him, she had to make up her mind to quit her dependence on him little by little.

When she took a bath that night, seeing the scar on her lower abdomen, she seemed to see all the suffering she had suffered in the rest of her life.

The bad emotions accumulated over the past few days have not been properly settled, nor have I communicated with Shang Huaiqing properly, and have not been effectively counseled. They have been accumulated in my heart. As time goes by, they accumulate more and more, and sooner or later they will swallow her up. .

My heart was very chaotic, the irritability was stuck in my heart, I couldn't swallow it, and I couldn't spit it out. Taoxi suddenly didn't want to say anything, but turned her head and looked out of the window.

"Tao Xi?" Seeing that she was silent for a long time, Shang Huaiqing called her softly, and continued to hold her back, "After I finish the filming, let's find a place to relax and have a good talk, okay?" Tao

Xi Sighing lightly, she felt more and more irritable. At this time, no matter how Shang Huaiqing tried to persuade her to stay, it was already too late for her, and it even weighed her down like a burden.

She stood up, and suddenly became a little excited and said: "So what if you change it, it's just to repeat the previous pain again, let you hurt me again?" Shang Huaiqing stood up, seeing Taoxi's

excitement He was obviously taken aback, so he quickly explained: "I didn't mean that, you misunderstood, I actually..." "

Enough." Taoxi couldn't restrain himself and continued more and more excitedly, "Say In the end, I am not suitable for you at all, you should find a bright girl who has never had any twists and turns since she was born, and was raised by love, instead of such a tattered me." Like holding back a few days

ago Those who couldn't cry in their hearts were extremely uncomfortable, and finally found an outlet, and their emotions became more and more ugly.

"Taoxi, don't say that." Shang Huaiqing choked up.

Tao Xi only felt aggrieved in her heart, but when she saw Shang Huai pouring tears on the opposite side, her heart suddenly throbbed. After all, her heart softened, and her tone softened a lot: "I know you are very good to me, but I I can't give you happiness at all, and I'm tired of relying too much on you, hopeful and disappointed, and even more afraid that one day you will leave me, I know it's wrong to think like this, but I just can't control myself." Her tears seemed to

break The threaded beads rustled down, and as she spoke, she slowly squatted down, almost exhausting all her strength, but completely compromised: "I'm so tired, I'm really tired."

Fifteen At the age of 5, her mother passed away, and she lost the person closest to her in this world.

During the two years of living with her father, she lived in fear almost every day. She often didn't know which sentence she said was wrong, and she didn't know what she did wrong, so she was cursed or even beaten severely by her father.

My father often used her to vent his anger when he got drunk or lost a bet.

Compared with the wounds on the body, the hurts in the heart are more difficult to let go.

When my father was sober, he knelt on the ground and begged her for forgiveness, in exchange for her soft heart again and again, until he was beaten to death by his drunken father on that rainy night.

She also thought about running away from her father, but it is not easy to let go of a family relationship. Taoxi remembers that when she was crying when she was a child, her father would buy candied haws to comfort her, and she also remembers that her father carried her through the sunset.

She used these only good things to forgive her father time and time again, but in the end she was bruised all over.

The bruises on his body will slowly disappear, but the fragmented psychology tortured by his father is difficult to reassemble into the complete form before.

At the age of eighteen, she went to university in other places. She rarely contacted her father and worked part-time to earn tuition to support herself.

At the age of twenty-one, she went to Qingbei alone again and started a new life. She was completely helpless and could only rely on herself.

In her best years, she was only surrounded by loneliness, fear, anxiety, and even anxiety all day long, as if she was sinking in the deep sea, with no light, no hope, and no way to call out for help.

Drowning again and again in the deep sea where there is nothing to rely on.

Every time she was isolated and helpless, she tried her best to save herself, and rescued herself from the dark vortex again and again.

She worked hard to make money, and even if she was afraid of dealing with strangers when her anxiety disorder was bothering her seriously, she still tried to find a way to seek help from a psychiatrist and actively treat her.

The original family in the first half of her life had no choice, she accepted her fate, even though her body and mind were riddled with wounds, she still tried her best to break free from the shackles of the family, like digging out a piece of rotten flesh with a knife, it was almost painful Nearly fainting, she gritted her teeth and survived.

But in the end it took too much effort.

She didn't know how she survived those years, and only she knew how the bad things she experienced in the past built a wall in her heart brick by brick.

Every time a bad thing happened, although she gritted her teeth and endured it by herself, she filled a brick in her heart, one brick after another was built higher and higher, and the cement sealed the wall, making it airtight.

It is difficult for someone to easily walk into her heart.

Except Shang Huaiqing.

His existence to her may be more important than she imagined.

It was as if she was walking alone in the desert, dizzy from the sun, and she was hungry and thirsty. More important than food was a source of cool water that could quench her thirst.

To her, Shang Huaiqing is such an important existence.

It is the kind of emotional dependence that is more profound than material dependence, which grows and spreads silently in her world, and when she finds out, she has no way to turn back.

There is no way to quit this dependence on him.

Because of this, as long as there is such a thought of worrying about gains and losses, the fear of losing will only become more and more serious if the opening is torn open.

Terrified of losing him.

When this thought starts to appear, even a slight gap will reveal all kinds of bad emotions.

But in the final analysis, to maintain an intimate relationship for a long time, two people need to be fulfilled enough.

But Taoxi is not perfect enough.

The experience of the first half of her life has repeatedly polished and shaped her, and she has long been born with hatred and resentment. She thought she could grit her teeth and swallow all the grievances and pains, but she never thought that in this intimate relationship, she would accidentally detonate her long-term love. The hatred and resentment accumulated in the bottom of my heart.

I used to think that Shang Huaiqing was a reward from God. For a while, she was safely protected by him in his palm. At first, she had an unprecedented sense of security, and she could even reconcile with the past. But what happened later, All these things have accumulated, and those senses of security have long since been wiped away.

Someday, she suddenly realized that the reward was too heavy, and she didn't even know if she could match it. Slowly, the reward became a burden, and finally weighed her down.

Now all she has left is fear, fearing that one day he will hit her with a backhand and drop her to the ground, smashing her to pieces, just like her father did in the past.

Those other feelings were born because of him, but also became uncontrollable because of him.

The room suddenly fell silent, Shang Huaiqing stood there in a daze, watching Taoxi squatting on the ground, he subconsciously stretched out his hand to help her up, but before his hand touched her, he retracted again return.

The distance between the two of them is still not too far, but now he just feels that he is getting farther and farther away from her, as if no matter how close he is, he can't touch her again.

In fact, Shang Huaiqing had already felt that Taoxi was drifting away from him a long time ago. At that time, he thought she was just busy and didn't have time to contact him. In addition, his film shooting schedule was also very busy. How much ignored her.

It wasn't until he looked through the wechat chat records of the two that he suddenly realized.

It turned out that the separation from Taoxi had been foreshadowed long ago. When she stopped saying good night to him earlier, or when she gradually stopped sharing anything with him earlier, she might have been ready to leave preparation.

I can't imagine how many late nights she has made up her mind to break off this relationship with him.

Thinking of the scene of her crying in the middle of the night, Shang Huaiqing's heart felt like being cut by a knife, and it was not because he never thought that he would end up with her without a problem and not bother her anymore.

After all, the gap between the two was born because of him, and he did hurt her because of his negligence.

But when he thought that he would never see Taoxi again and had nothing to do with her, compared to the pain like a knife, Shang Huaiqing felt hopeless, even though he was still busy every day, But his heart was very empty, and it was especially uncomfortable in the evening when it was getting dark.

So I ran to see her.

He wants to get back together with her, but it doesn't seem like a good time now. The more urgent he wants to keep her by his side, the more pressure and even pain he will bring to her.

In the end, Shang Huaiqing didn't say anything, he couldn't even say goodbye to him, but turned around and walked out of Taoxi's room silently.

Also walked out of her life silently.