HIDING THE TRUTH

TALKING ABOUT LIES AND PAIN

I usually don't lie. That was probably a lie. Since how I act is a lie. How I look what I say. Mostly every word. If I would say the truth I would be a lie. But everyone is the same at the end. Being a big lie. I sometimes wonder who lies about what.

I have a friend. They have a secret. I told them to wait till they tell me even if it takes forever. But I don't know anymore. Gaining trust is the hardest thing. I know that.

I have a friend. They never showed their true self. I don't know how they really are but somehow they are just a marionette playing the perfect child for their mother.

I have a friend. They don't have anything to lie about. Which makes me wonder if they ever lied or ever told the truth. But they try to save my other friends. And maybe makes me. This makes me happy.

But that isn't what I wanted to talk about. I put down the makeup bag. Sitting on my bed and taking out my phone.

1 new message!

I open it

K: can't wait to see you then Enanan.

I go to the Sekai. The white empty place built from emotions is the only place I feel safe. I see a girl with long white hair. Kanade.

K: Enanan there you are.

She looks happy. I can't see Miku anywhere but aside from that not any other nightcord member.

Where are the other members?

K: didn't you read the messages? Yuki has to learn for classes and Amia is meeting up with her friends. So it's just us.

I'm sorry...

K: huh? No need. It's maybe better like this. Are you finished illustrating?

No. I don't have many ideas. I thought something more pastel or mysterious.

K: I'm happy that you try so hard. But don't overdo it...

You always overdo it K! When did you take a break? When did you sleep? Those eye bags look horrible...

K: oh. I... I'm just a bit worried. My dad's state is worse.

Oh. Okay.

We talked a bit more. But I felt bad, k and the others had it much worse than me. When I left the sekai it was already late. I didn't hear anything from akito. I felt miserable. I look at my sketch book. I could help K by finishing the illustration today.

I sit down. Drawing. Sketching. Painting. But none of them were perfect. They needed to be. I crumple up another drawing and throw it in the full trash. It's almost 2 am. Today wasn't a nightcord meeting. They could help me with ideas. No. I don't wanna disturb them.

The frustration wins. I start sobbing. My dad's right I'm bad at drawing. I'm not good at anything. Why do I need to be bad in the thing that is fun for me. It ruins it. In the end I despise drawing but without it I would be no one in nightcord.

The only thing that can help me forget the pain would feel real pain. I had to hurt myself. In the end nobody cares anyways. Reaching out for the paper cutter. Holding it to my skin and cutting deep. The blood is warm and runs over my new drawing ruining it anyways.

In the end I didn't feel anything. It was just another scar. How stupid.

I was too tired and went to sleep. Dreaming of nothing .