Carter's Savior

Eleven

Carter's POV

He didn't leave.

Even after everything I said to him the night before, he still stayed. And even stayed...by my side. Which was strange. We've cuddled every night since then, granted it's only been two, but it was still strange. I wasn't a cuddler in the slightest, but being in his arms made me feel something I hadn't felt in a long time.

My eyes flickered open as the morning sun shined through the window to the living room. Memories of the night of the confession came flooding back. What I did. What I said. I don't know what came over me, especially after days of not talking.

But I just needed to tell him.

I think it was because I had become so overwhelmed with my feelings. And everything came crashing down all at once. The shit with my dad. The shit with my brother. The shit with myself. Tatty being gone. And I think I reached a breaking point. I don't think I could take Sloan leaving. Before I would wake up and look over at the couch to see if he was still here. And he was.

He never once complained or pushed me. He just sat there watching the three same movies over and over and over. I was waiting for him to make fun of me or something but he didn't.

Then when he was singing along it warmed my heart. Like he was enjoying it. Which no one ever has in the past. Somehow this giant Tiger was easing his way into my heart. And if that isn't the most terrifying thing ever then I don't know what is.

He's even taken to my silence well. My...muteness. He would ask me yes or no questions where I could nod or shake my head. And if it was more he'd have me write on a piece of paper. It got to the point where he had Aunt Rena bring us a notebook so we could just write in that.

He didn't pester me and try to figure out why I didn't want to talk anymore. Or even I was doing it for attention. He just said okay and accepted me.

But even if he had I don't even know how I would begin to explain my muteness. Would I start by telling him that I hated myself and that the sound of my voice made me want to throw up? Or that it seemed life was better when I was quiet? Or how I was scared of messing things up by making another stupid comment because I didn't know how to filter myself?

How about how when I was a kid I would tell my dad I wanted to stay with him and he would ignore my needs? Or how no matter what I say when I am home I get a sigh filled with disappointment as a response? Or how about my body wouldn't let me talk even if I tried? And I sure as hell did try but I couldn't open my mouth to speak. And when I did, it was like I forgot English, and my throat closed up and got tight.

Then I was hit with a paralyzing fear that if I did, something bad would happen. And that was enough to keep my mouth shut.

So, I can't tell him that.

Not yet anyway. I don't even know if I can trust him yet.

I mean he's still best friends with Sean, and my dads are his uncles. It would be too messy. And I'm sick of messy. For once in my life I want something mess-free.

I was in a weird middle place. Of wanting to give Sloan a chance but also be wary of all the other times I've given chances and shit has hit the fan. No matter how strong this mate bond may be, and no matter how long I've secretly had a stupid crush on him. I have to keep my distance, keep him at arm's length. If there's one thing that I have learned over the years is that Carter doesn't get good things.

It's because you don't deserve good things.

Yeah, I'm starting to believe that might be true.