The search for love

Chapter 5

Looking around me, I realized that everyone seemed to be happy with their love life. Happy couples, valentines day and all that disgusted me to be honest. I could not stand the fact I cannot even take part in these events. People would ask me for advice and everytime, it works for them. How come it does not work for me? Am I that shit? Am I not good-looking? Are my scars scaring people I love off? Those are things that I asked myself. I also predicted others situations correctly when it comes to their partners or people of interest. ALl things that had happened to me already.

This one is gonna be short since not much happened with her...

I would always help others and comfort them but I never got that from them. I feel desperate for needing to rely on someone only because of my mental health. I was always okay on my own. I can deal with myself. Can't I?

I was in therapy but therapy for me was pretty much talking to myself. I came into the room, I sat down and my therapist just sat in silence, only saying a few words during our session. So I left therapy and decided to take matters into my own hand. But that only harmed me more. Eventhough I had 2 people to open up to. One I haven't talked to in a long time and shows no interest in my life but she always comes to me when she needs something from me. The other, well, she can't keep a secret.

I just did my thing and decided to set my goals to become a doctor. I have attended mutliple internships and they all went well. But as soon as I was done with each, I always felt so empty. Like I was missing my purpose of life. Desperate times require desperate measure they say. Maybe my next partner was a desperate measure because she was pretty much just using me for my money and attention. We will call her "M" for now.

M was a sweet, seemingly loving girl. But at time moved on, her real side showed more. Things like "If you don't buy me this you don't love me" or "You are being too jealous, he's just a friend" or even something like "This other boy would do this and that for me". It hurt me but for the few sweet things she did for me, like holding me or even just saying "I love you". I did not believe she did regardless. I gave it all again and did not see how much I was hurting myself with this "relationship". She wouuld go out with other dudes but she did not cheat. She left me for this reason: "You don't spend enough money on me and I deserve someone that does".
This fucking bitch. "Well, I did not know money is needed to love someone but you do you then". That is all I said. So I get back to old habits that I will not mention in this chapter, it all was not good for me.

I tried getting my mind of this by doing all kinds off things, even things like hanging out or just going out by myself, but I will say it did not fix my heart nor my mental health. It only did help me somewhat move on from that.