The search for love

Chapter 4

Hook-ups and short-term "Relationships", why do we do it? Is it for just pure pleasure? Is it because you miss physical touch and are touch deprived? Or do you hook-up to find your next partner? I don't know why I did have the Hook-ups I had. But my next partner was found because I hooked up with her. Kat.

I will get to a few hook-ups that made me fall in love, just bear with me.

Kat was a young, hyper girl. I met her through a friend that we are gonna call M. M and I used to be really good friends until he decided to make up things that were not true about my relationship.

I liked her, when I fall in love, I do really fall in love. I give my entire heart to the person and trust them to not break it. I was only proven wrong so far. Everytime I saw her, my heart was pounding. It was astonishing how fast my heart was able to beat without me doing any sports at the moment.

How we got into our "hook-up" was us meeting up with her and a female friend of hers. We kissed. As we figured out in the last chapter I am a sucker for physical touch. Especially when it comes to kisses, that does not stop me from being loyal. I will still push someone off if I was in a relationship. I do not know why I am like that, I was not neglected or anything as a child, I have a very loving and caring mother that did her best to get me all the oppertunities I have now. Anyway... As we progressed into our short relationship, I broke up with her. Why one might ask if I give all my heart into someone? Well, I do not give my heart to cheaters. Yes, how come everyone I was with so far cheats on me? Am I that hard to love? Is it that hard to be loyal to me? Am I that shit? Learning that, I confront her and she tries the excuse of it being a mistake. She wants to try again. I refused. It was a basic relationship. Nothing crazy happened or so, just more added desperation to find some real love. Which brings me to the other person I had a "friends with benefits" with, Bay.

Bay was a childhood friend of mine. She and I went to elementary school in the United States together before I moved to Germany. She came along as our dads were stationed in the same Base. We were friends ever since. After her and I hanging out too often, yes too often in our teen ages, she just stares at me. I did not know why, or what was going on through her mind. So with my heart racing I stand infront of her and ask what she was looking at. Before that she was crying to me about her ex-boyfriend and how shit he was. All that. She stays silent and just puts my hand on her chest. Her heart is also racing. Was she in love with me? Or was she just trying to re-live the feeling of having a boyfriend? Or was she just looking for a replacement until she got over him? I get closer, my heart races even more. She kisses my neck. Probably because she was geniuenly smaller than me. (She was about 168cm and I was 177cm). So I lift her chin towards my face and ask "Can I?", she nods. So I make my move and kiss her. We kissed for long. It felt like seconds but 20 minutes went by. She and I were clearly in love but she wanted to take it slow since it hasn't been long since she and her ex broke up.

So we do take it slow and out of the blue, she randomly texts me that she has found a boy that she loves. It was not me obviously. But whatever she was happy with. So we stayed normal friends. She is single and I was single. She texted me one day, checking up on me. Have I eaten, did I drink enough water, have I been taking care of myself? It was weird. Then her and I somehow get into a mental health conversation about my depression and self-harm which ended with this: "You are such a loving and caring soul like you were back then. Keep that in you because you are special. I hope you find a partner that values you the way you are like you did with me, despite the fact you are broken and yet, you are so strong. I hope that you will really be loved like your family does and a partner that is always there for you and that laughs with you. You deserve the best and you deserve to be happy. You can be loved and you deserve to be. The moment will come. Now, go to sleep, you need the energy and strength so you can keep being that amazing person you are. Take care of yourself and make the best of yourself. I will listen if you need someone to listen to and never forget your motivation to keep going". That was the most meaningful thing I have heard in years.

I never opened up like that to her. But it is heartwarming and somewhat comforting hearing that.

So Bay, thank you for these memories and yet being there like I was there for you as far as you could. I hope for Bay and Kat everything is going their way and their plans work out for the better.