Wasteland, Baby!

V

Hello again Lovers ngl I went MIA. I was stressing about a job only to not be hired so every upset but hey we're back. ALSO PICK YOU UP UNRELEASED OML I NEARLY DIED. Anywho I hope you enjoy this chapter comment and vote if you'd like. Onto the reading :)
Not Edited
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

August 29th

I'm officially fucked. My anxiety and stress levels are through the roof it's giving me more stress just thinking about it. Me and Nat have done inventory together this past week and ordered everything to help ease some of my stress levels but I can't seem to relax.

Everyone thinks it's my new therapist; she's been pushing my boundaries and I sometimes feel okay with it and other times don't. When I tell her I rather not speak about said situations or feelings she tells me that this is what therapy is for and I need to open up or else I'll never get better. She's the professional so I guess I'll listen to her.

Noah returned my things two days asked I'd seen him at the coffee shop my coffee table was broken but I wasn't bothered by it honestly. I knew he was being petty about our whole break up and I'm just over our relationship. He's one thing I can get over him as a person I'm done. The toxic mindset he's placed in me for me to doubt myself and never think highly of myself; that's what needs to be fixed.

The mindset Noah burdened me with is the exact reason I have ignored all of Harry's text. We texted for 5 days then I just could not continue because I cannot phantom the thought of such a kind and gentle soul wanting to speak to me. He is such a lovely human and I don't want to hurt him with my damaged being. I think he understood because on Friday he sent me a text saying that if I'm not interested it's okay he'll understand or that if I need time he understands and if I still want him when I'm ready for a relationship he'll be there with flowers waiting. I don't deserve him at all I don't know if I'll ever be ready again and I don't want to lead him on. I'll decide what to do after therapy today.

-

Entering my therapist office always gives me goosebumps. I sign myself in for my appointment and sit in the waiting area. Shooting a quick text to the group chat letting them know I'm at therapy. Ever since the break up we all have become even closer than before. I love and hate it because I feel safe yet suffocated. I look at Harry's messages as well which probably isn't the best idea before therapy or maybe it is.

Harry: Good morning! Got any plans for the day? H x

Harry: Hey darling I hope you're doing well today it's a very hot day today stay hydrated H xx

Harry: Good night H x

Harry: I know I should be embarrassed for texting you an excessive amount of times but I think I fancy you a bit too much to care about that H xxx

Just his text make my heart flutter and my stomach fill with butterflies. Yet I get such anxiety at the thought of actually pursuing what we could be. I'm too mentally fucked for such a sweet man I couldn't bring all of my fucked into his like.

"Ms. Evans?" I hear a male voice call my name. I stand walking towards the door to the back. "Hello Ms. Evans I'm Dr. Reed there has been a complication with your old therapist and we had to let her go but I am available and if you'd rather have a female therapist we can offer that"

He looks at me from a across the room from his chair. I honestly don't even know what to say I didn't like my therapist that much but wouldn't want her be fired or did she quit? Being let go means fired right?

"May I ask what happened if possible?" I just need to know.

"We need to finish the investigation going on but once the dust has settled we will inform all of her old patients. Have you decided to stay with me as your doctor or would you like someone else?"

"I'd like to stick with you if that's alright." The softness in his voice was all it took for me to decide to choose him. "Do we continue with today's session or wait till next week." I questioned

"For that I apologize we will have to reschedule you session so I can sort out all the paperwork and see who you are as a person. I do though have 20 minutes available right now if you would like to have a small session." Honestly it bums me out that this session is canceled because I need to talk about so much but 20 minutes is enough I just need to know what to do.

"That's absolutely perfect. I've actually been in a predicament or internal battle on wether I should be replying to someone in interested in. Sounds stupid I know but it's causing me so much anxiety." I rant.

"May I ask this why do you make it an internal battle. If you are interested do it the saying is you're only young once and you only have a certain amount of great loves in your life so just risk it." He writes a couple of things down in his note book

"You make valid points but I have a damaged heart and am mentally unstable. He is such a good person who deserves the best in the world."

"Let me stop you there; do you not deserve the best? You are doing what a lot of people don't do. You are healing your trauma, you acknowledge that you are in fact mentally unstable most people make jokes about only to not fix it. I'll be the first to say I'm proud of you and I think you deserve everything great in the world" He smiles at me.

His words hit something deep in me apparently because I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt a tear fall on my hand. That's all it took for me to start sobbing.

"Wh- Why am I crying? Ugh there should be no reason I'm crying." I stutter trying to catch my breath.

"I think you just heard something you didn't know you needed to hear and your body just reacted with tears." He hands me a tissue.

"Thank you honestly I'd what voodoo thing you got going on but I like it I feel a better already. Thank you." I laugh wiping away my tears. He laughs at my words

"Go to the front and schedule your next appointment it was a pleasure meeting you Ms. Evans."

I do just that scheduling and appointments for the next couple weeks so I don't have to worry about making them each time I come in. Shifting through my thoughts on my way home I'm met with no anxiety or stress and it's a breath of fresh air. I think I've officially decided to text Harry once I get home what I'll text him I don't know.

Pulling into my parking spot I grab my items and lock my car. I think I want to move somewhere else this apartment has too many memories and it'll be a step forward as well. I take a quick shower and get into a new change of clothes. Laying in bed I look at my phone and think of what to text Harry. I type out a whole text only to delete it about 5 times. I'm frustrated at this point. Taking a deep breath I just start typing.

Me: Hi Harry I apologize for not responding to any of your text. I haven't been in the right state of mind and I feel like you deserve better than what I could give you at the moment. I'm trying to get better for myself by going to therapy and taking care of myself. I'd like to be friends for the time being if that's okay with you because you are a beautiful soul and if one day I'm ready I hope you'll still have me. Xx

I place my phone face down out of sheer nerves. I hope he doesn't hate me after this text. Oh god he is he'll think I'm fri- my thoughts are cut off my my text tone. Picking up my phone I see that Harry text me, oh lord it hasn't even been 10 minutes.

Harry: Do not apologize for needing time to get better. Take all the time you need like I said I'll be waiting for you. I'll be anything you need me to be if it'll help you okay I'm here for you. X

Harry: Darling can I call you or FaceTime you I'd love to hear your beautiful voice? Xx

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
I want this why can't I have this!!! Lol jk I hate talking on the phone my bf hates me for it and my cousin too she'll yell at me.

Vote & Comment if you'd like x
-P