Wasteland, Baby!

VII

Hello hello readers I apologize for not updating I be going through it but alas a semi long chapter has come your way. I gotta get better (MMITH lol)  but I am trying to get better and tbh I am so hopefully more chapters!!!

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

August 29th

It was a mistake calling Harry why would I do that I need to call him back and tell him not to come make up an excuse. This is moving way too fast who am I trying to fool thinking I could try to catch feelings for someone else so fast. The universe is probably punishing me with Alex; saying you're a naive little bitch who doesn't deserve happiness. Noah was right everything was my fault.

Getting myself together I dial Harry's number.
"Hey hello Vi, I was just about to call you back to get your address I'll speed over as fast as I can I promise"

His words absolutely break my heart and almost bring me back to tears.
"Harry it's okay I'm sorry for calling you like that it was irrational thinking and I should've known better. I called Jo so I won't have to bug you; she'll be here in about 5 minutes" I swallow the lump forming in my throat.

"Love you weren't bugging me; I told you I wanna be in your life if you'd let me." a single tear rolls down my face and I can't help the rest that follow. "If you need a shoulder to cry on I'm here, an ear to talk off I'm here, arms to hold you IM HERE!"

I can't. I can't. I can't. That is all I can think is I can't because I cannot; i simply cannot fathom how much this man cares for me in such a short amount of time yet here I am wanting to push him away. I have no choice to do so and I hurts my heart.
"I thank you for all of that Harry I really do. But I don't deserve and I cannot accept any of it no matter how much I want to. I'm sorry. I am so sorry Harry" I choke out a sob.

"Vio-" I hang the phone up before he gets anymore out and I hate myself more for disrespecting him like that.

I'm a terrible human being. I deserve every horrible thing that has happened to me in my life. Everyone that I love leaves me behind and it because I don't deserve to be loved and I don't deserve to be treated with kindness. I just need me, myself, and I. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

I start to spiral into a bad state of mind. The call from Bri and then the call from Harry is making my head spin. I feel like I can't breathe.

I rush around my apartment trying to find anything appropriate to wear outside because underwear and a T-shirt isn't okay to walk out in public in. Rushing to put on some joggers and tank top I run to the door to slip on my sandals and grab my car keys. Grabbing the handle I take a deep breath.

Play pretend just for a little bit that's all I need to do is play pretend.

Opening the door I'm met with a surprise.
"Jo what are you doing here?" I question her out of confusion and slight concern.

"I got a call from I think his name was Harry making sure I was coming over to your apartment. When I told you never called me he freaked and asked me to come over also asked for your address but I said um no buddy I don't know you but I will go check on my bestie. Still weirded out how he got my number should I call the popo?" With her words my heart feels full and warm; just her presence brings me a sense of peace.

"Jo I'm not doing well at all. Mentally I mean a phone call I just got was the straw that broke the camels back. With the break up, to my therapist being switched so no current appointments, work being overwhelming, and now this. I don't know what to do. I thought i wanted to start over and be happy with Harry but I can't, I don't think I deserve it" I walk back into my apartment leaving the door open for her to follow. "He probably has his own stuff happening in his life I don't know but I have too much baggage for one person to handle. Fuck it's too much for me to handle." I lay on the floor to gather a bit of my sanity.