Just Writing

Hurting.

Sitting on my bed all day trying to solve my life doing something I like, but it's been hours and I didn't even notice that the day had already passed. Was I too focused or my brain is just numb by these feelings I've been getting lately? I can't really tell, I just know I need to get up and take a shower right now.

"You know you can't do it"

I stretch my back, looking around and seeing the messy part of my room. My desk has papers, cans of chips, unorganized cables and bags that I didn't even remember about. This is really depressing to say the least, I can fix that tomorrow without any problem.

"You always say this."

I get up, stretching once again, my legs are a bit sore cuz of the lack of moviments. I really didn't see anything, it was like I am living on automatic, doing things because I need to do. Without a feeling, just a fuel that is my occasional motivation and inspiration. I'm doing this for you and it doesn't really bother me, it'll benefit me too! The only thing is this weird feeling in my chest, can't that just go away? Can't my brain function right again? ... who am I kidding, this thing never functioned right.

"You're too silly to think about a second chance."

My thoughts are flooding my head and it's reaching to a point it can't stay inside anymore, so I hury to arrange my shower stuff so I don't start crying in front of my family members. I never could explain anything I feel, even more now, to THEM even. They'd just think i'm a strange child, which in fact, I am.

"Weird."

I go through the living room, saying a quick hi and bye to the people in there as I enter the bathroom and, when I close the door behind me, my face also closes. No smile, no aware eyes. Just a frown and a tired and dark look. I look at the mirror after placing my things on a surface, I study my face seeing all the imperfections in it. All the marks, facial hair, the dark bags under my eyes and my dirty glasses. I don't like it.

"This is awful"

I take a better look, just to notice the tears forming in my eyes as it gets red and my face becomes paler. My eyebrows try to flinch, I don't let them, just staring blankly at the mirror as I let out a scoff then a small laugh. I insult myself, not saying something mean, but saying the truth;

"Just the same."

I let out another low laugh, the water filling my eyes as I blink and the first tear run down my cheek. I repeat the same insult, looking deep inside my own eyes. How.. actually- when did that get so dark? It was like yesterday it had a slight orange glow, when did I become so coward?

"You've always been a coward."

More tears run down my face as I just smile sadly at my reflection in the mirror, that smile is shaky and wet by the blood of my soul and flooded thoughts. It hurts, it really does and there's probably nothing that I can do to change that.. at least, not right now.

"It's just temporary."

The smile is gone, just a blank face staring at it's refletion. Not gonna lie, it scares me. Seeing me in such a way with a face deficient of expressions. The more I keep looking, the more the world seems to be going away from me, or am I going away from the world? I can't tell, but what I can tell is that I come back up as I almost fall on my back.

"Wake up."

.... didn't I come here to take a shower? Maybe I should do that now. Blinking a few times I repeat to myself "it's going to be okay" quietly, soon taking off my clothes and entering the shower with the hope that these heavy feelings will be washed away along with the impurities of my weird looking body.

" . . . "

695 words
Mr_a2080x
(9/1/23)