Just Writing

Anxiety.

Once again in bed, looking for something on my phone to distract me, to ease the boredom, to make it easy to forget about everything for just a second, but nothing works. My head is so full that it doesn't even have more rooms anymore, so every thought and idea goes down to my heart. I feel it hurting because it's heavy, I feel it pulsing becaude it's also getting full, I feel it cracking because every phrase has a little knife where they cut it to break free.

"*sighhhhh*"

It's hard, it's been hard, but there are days and days. Days which I'll be at my best, days that I'll be the most adorable being in the world and days that I'll be so tired of thinking, that I won't think for myself anymore. The brain controls, the heart and the soul bleed and that liquid runs down my cheeks in the form of tears.

"What made them think it was okay?!"

Sometimes I just wanted to be a little bit selfish. Don't think about anything else but me. Say the things I need to let out, without the fear of losing or upseting someone. They do that to me, why can't I do that to them? Why can't I let my heart express it's pain and let my head rest for a bit? My brain has so much routes that I can't even see the real one anymore, I don't seem to know which one was the first one, I don't seem to understand how to choose anymore.

"Why does everything have to be so overwhelming?"

It sucks, it sucks to feel trapped in your own head, it sucks to feel guilty for expressing how you feel, it sucks to care too much when the others don't seem to make one single effort to at least try. I am so careful with what I say, why can't they just think a bit more before saying something?

"This is exhausting."

My head is so freaking worried, but numb at the same time. My heart is too strong, but once it's not, the pieces will fall down like it was nothing. My face is melted, but I can't let this frown show.

"For how long will this continue?"

I want to sleep. I want to dream again. I want to hear the birds singing once more, but not because I stayed up all night long overthinking, but because I rested well and happened to woke up early in a beautiful and cloudy morning.

"..."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being like this. I'm sorry for doing all these things. I'm sorry for talking so poor of myself, but i'm trying and above that, i'm tired to put up to people who doesn't seem to even consider that I am a human being that have feelings too.

"I'm tired."

There's no point on doing this right now. No one can hear me, they wouldn't understand it anyway. I can just get my blankets and lay my head down on the pillow. The thoughts had stopped, there's nothing but the ability to think of words. Words that even though they're sharp, they're weak and your best shield would be the ignorance and indifference.

"Goodnight..."

That's tragic, sad and upsetting to think about all that. We can always try again tomorrow, it's okay... it's okay.

560 words
Mr_a2080x
(9/9/23)