Just Writing

Depressed.

So many thoughts in my head, they all go to the same place, the same cage. Trapped, they can't get out, they can't be expressed, they can't be heard. I try to speak up, but it's useless with the amount of thoughts that I have, I know what it's gonna cause if I open that cage, I know i'm gonna ruin everything and then won't be able to TELL them that it isn't my fault.

I am fighting with myself constantly, trying to be something good everyday, but there are days where I just look back and think "when it's gonna pay off?". I took too much demage to just end up like this, I NEED this to pay off, I NEED this to have some purpose in my life, or else i'm just gonna be a naive and dumb child, who tries to find the good on people that are rotten inside, and eventually become one of them because of the frustration that find me in every and each way. "Follow your heart!" they say, but which piece should I exactly follow? It's shards are spread across the floor and there are still some pieces missing, it's losing it's way back and i'm afraid it'll never come back.

I'm trying so so hard, I've been trying so so hard, but every step seems useless and every little progress isn't enough. I thought I was getting better, what happened to me? What the hell did they do to me? What did I freaking do to deserve such a thing? I need answers, but I know I can't get them, the only ones that could answer me that, are gone now and it just leaves me with the doubt if I EVER was good enough.

I was grateful for the moments of laughter and emotional comfort with silly jokes, but I know it was all a lie for their own enjoyment, as they even used that against me when all I was trying to do was to set some freaking boundaries.

Now I have such a great partner, someone that been with me for so long and that happened to share the same feeling for me as I do for her. I finally get the attention I ever wanted, I finally get the love I also lied to myself I didn't want, I finally have someone that understands me in ways that I don't even understand. Why do I keep on shooting at her like some target if I know she doesn't deserve it? Why all the trauma insist in be triggered when all I want is some relaxation with her? Why do I have to be so broken?

I can't even say I hate them because for how messed up my feelings and emotions are, for how numb it can be at times. But the grudge is here, bothering me everytime because I can't look at them and say to their faces that they ruined me. I gave them everything I could give, but that wasn't enough for them and for that, they're just so rotten on the inside that they never deserved the bubbly and shiny person that I was.

They took away my dreams making me feel ashamed fo them, took away my self-steem lowering myself and making me idore them like legit kings and queens, took away the inocence and made me feel filthy. They didn't need to do that, they did that because they saw how dependent I can be and why would you miss such a gold opportunity, right? Make someone do and say things for you and know you are bigger than them. It must feel good, have such an ego and completely destroy someone who just wanted real friends to rely on and be themselves with, just because they heard something they didn't like.

Now I live with the frustration and hatred for myself for allowing such a thing to happen with myself. I was supposed to protect myself, I was supposed to take care of myself. Now that I am older, that child is still hurting, and for that she screams and cry so much, to relieve their own trapped feelings making me aware of so many things I could've done to make things better for them at that time. She hates me, and I can't help but hate myself too, even though I know I really couldn't do much and just because all of that happened to me, doesn't mean it was my fault, because rotten people took advantage of my vulnerable state to kick me around some more.

*sigh* so many thoughts, right? So many things to let out, so many things.. and yet no extravagant expressions. Just a heavy heart and a blank face.

It hurts, but what can I do now? At least like this, I can't do much but to give myself some false hope that things can actually improve and that i'm gonna get the life I desire so much. An imperfect life, like all people have, but away from here, with the person that I love, knowing new people and facing situations with a renoved mind.

That's what I want, that's what I freaking want.

My body is tired and my soul is too energic, I can't keep up the pace, eventually it's gonna die out and i'm gonna give up on things and come back to being numb and a waste of air.

I'm sorry, I try so hard, but I can't get anywhere.

"Treat people how you wanna be treated" this phrase is everywhere and I've held it with me for so freaking long. It's understandable and honestly expected for you to know that people are different from one another, but some choose not to see that some give them their best and they're so ignorant, treating them with indiference with a crooked smile and false affirmations.

It's so tiring and dissapointing to know that I never really had people that deserved that creative and loving person that I used to be. I hope to someday find her back in me, and maybe finally have some hope in me.

1012 words
Mr_A2080x
(3/23/24)