[] Mikey ANGST Oneshots []

CH.2 - I'm An Artist

TW: Self Harm, PTSD, Derealization, Dissociating, Depersonalization, No Happy Ending

Era: Rise Of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Summary: Mikey starts to self-harm (takes place 5 months after the movie)

A/N: This is not meant to romanticize self-harm if you're having thoughts of hurting yourself I can make a list of healthy coping mechanisms that may help. I'm dealing with self-harm too, you're not alone. This chapter is really short and with no comfort/happy ending but I can make a part two if anyone wants

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I'm an artist, 

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Mikey's POV:

I'm honestly not quite sure why I started. I just did. I don't even know why I do it I don't get pleasure out of it. I'm not a masochist. Well, I do know it's just not one thing, and it's really hard to explain. If I had to put it into words I'd say it's a form of self-punishment. Why? Because I'm not supposed to be alive. After the incident, I've had this weird feeling, there aren't any words to properly describe what it is, but I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not supposed to be alive. That portal, that was supposed to kill me. There's no reason I should be here, no reason I should be alive. And it's not a speculation, I know I'm not supposed to be here. I know. I'm an anomaly. I feel almost like a ghost like I'm invisible or fake. Maybe I am. I don't know anymore, everything feels fake. 

I drag my shuriken across my arms. No one will know because my arms have been bandaged since the invasion, Leo hasn't checked them in a while and I don't think he plans on checking them unless it's necessary. Blood squirts out. I don't cut deep enough to leave scars just in case. Just enough to know I'm here and alive and to punish myself for being here and alive. Even when I have to remove the bandages I'm going to wear compression gloves to limit the tremors in my arms so no one will ever know. I can't talk to my brothers about this, they wouldn't get it. Maybe Casey would? But he's been through too much already, they all have. I refuse to bother them because I have a 'feeling'. There are 17 cuts on my left arm and 15 on my right. I let out a sigh as I clean them up. Turtles have a good sense of smell and I don't want my brothers to realize I'm hurt. I wash them with warm water and a little bit of soap, use toilet paper to apply pressure, and dry them. Once it's no longer actively bleeding I apply some Vaseline and Neosporin and wrap it in gauze. I flush the bloody tissues down the toilet and exit the bathroom like normal. Time to make breakfast. 

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I draw in silver,

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The days haven't been the same since the invasion, it's not that I didn't expect it but it's still hard. Donnie stays locked up in his lab, Leo doesn't joke around as much and has separation anxiety almost as bad as Raph so he always stays near someone, Raph is afraid to be near any of us and spends almost all his time in the dojo. We never eat together anymore and if we do it's always silent and tense. I've been giving them therapy sessions once a week but it's not being all that helpful. I mean how can you help someone else when you can't even help yourself? On a positive note, no one notices when I'm sad or hurt so I never have to worry about getting caught. My brothers are aware that that portal caused damage to me, obviously, but they have no clue that if Raph and Donnie weren't there I would've died. Casey knows but I asked him to keep it to himself, he didn't really get why but he kept his mouth shut. That's all that mattered. Since I had fresh cuts I kept breakfast simple, oatmeal. Toast for Donnie. Ever since the invasion, he has avoided mushy things a lot more than he did before. I go to their rooms and give them their breakfast. They say nothing, don't even acknowledge my presence. I press my wrists to remind myself I'm still here, still alive. I'm not fake. 

Casey always likes the food I cook, the others do too but Casey's appreciation is on another level. Probably because he ate rats his whole life- Anyways, Casey's appreciation for my cooking is one of the things that makes me remember there is still meaning to life. I still matter. Even when I'm not supposed to be here. 

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It turns red. 

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A/N: I am starting school this Thursday (gonna be my first time ever going to public school!) so I'm going to be really busy and chapters will most likely only be published on weekends.