Secrets // Mattheo Riddle \\

4| Feelings?

I feel...nothing. Absolutely nothing. My skin...I can't feel my skin. I can't feel anything. I don't feel when I stand up. Or when I step into the burning hot shower, that will definitely leave blisters. I feel nothing when I wash my hair. Nothing when I dry off. Nothing when I brush my teeth and hair. Nothing when I put on clothes. How can I make my self feel?

Hurt...I need to hurt.

I'm not proud of my self when I say what i did next. But I grabbed a blade. A razor blade. And put it against my wrist. Nothing. So I slid it across my wrist. Nothing. So I didn't stop. I took the blade across my wrist multiple times. Still feeling nothing. I felt numb.

I took a rag and wiped up all the blood. I was about to cover up what I just did with my bracelets when I hear someone from the other side of the door. "Emma... is that you?" Pansy. She sounded worried. I can't blame her. I had a panic attack, last night, not even 10 feet away from where I am standing right now.

I quickly out on all my bracelets, hissing at the pain, slightly. I open the door and pansy hugs me almost immediately. She sighs "I was so worried about you last night"

I faintly smile at her. Walking past her, not saying a single word to her, so I can grab my Slytherin robe. She walks behind me, grabbing her robe too.

"Emma. What happened last night?" She says her face forming to show pity and concern. I don't need her fucking pity. I don't say anything and head to breakfast, pansy following behind me.

I sit down at next to Mattheo. All the boys looking at me. Pansy clears her throat and sits across from me, next to Enzo.

Everyone keeps asking me questions. But I can't. I don't have an answer to them. Well i do but im too numb that i cant even speak. Not a single word.

Burning. A burning sensation. That's what I feel. I feel something. On my thigh. I feel a burning sensation on my thigh. I look down to see a veiny hand with rings on it. I follow where the arm leads. No other than Matheo riddle. I cant help but give him a soft smile, which he returns. I look back down at my food just picking at it. Too focused on the feeling of Mattheos  hand rubbing up and down on my thigh. This is how I can feel. Him. I don't need to hurt. I just need him.

I look up when I feel a strong hand grab my shoulder. I look up. If you could see my eyes, you would see they are terrified, petrified, and hurt. Which most of my friends saw this and looked at Draco weird. I feel Mattheo give me a reassuring squeeze on my thigh.I'll I manage to shake Draco's hand off my shoulder and run out of the room. A very tall figure following me. Mattheo.

I keep running but he grabs my shoulder, making me turn around. We are in the middle of the hallway. I can't do this.

I shouldn't do this. What would my father think. You know what, I don't care what my father thinks. I need this. I need to feel. I need him.

We are inches apart. Breathing heavily. I look at his eyes, then his lips. They are so soft, so kissable, they are practically calling out my name.

I stand in my tippy toes, so my lips brush against his. I look him in the eyes. Wanting more. More than to feel numb. More than just our lips brushing together. More. I need more of him. I need every part of him. Every.

You may think I'm weird. For doing this. Right after what happened to me. But this is my way of coping. This is my way of feeling.

So I kiss him. Wrapping my arms around his neck as he kisses back. He grabs the back of my neck. Deepening the kiss, making me let out a little moan. We can't. We shouldn't. Someone could see us. But who give a fuck? I don't.

I pull away, taking in a deep breath as if it was my last breath, before kissing him again. But this time it feels as if electricity is sending sparks through my body. Giving me a sensation. Sensation.

I need that right now. I need this sensation. I need this to feel.

I put my hands through his soft, brunette curls, pulling on them as the kiss gets more sloppier. And he does the same. He grabs my hair and pull my head all the way back. I let out a little grunt, and he starts kissing my neck. Leaving hickeys everywhere. My breath is getting heavier by the minuete. I feel him bite my neck, letting a little moan escape my mouth, he makes his way to my collarbone kissing my soft spot. OH SHIT.

People coming. First class. WE ARE LITERALLY PRACTICALLY FUCKING IN THE HALLWAY!

As the student turn the hallway, Mattheo swiftly pulls me into an empty classroom. He pins me up against the door and hold his finger up to my lip. Telling me to be quiet.

After all the people leave Mattheo removes his finger. "What the fuck happened to you last night?" I just roll my eyes, everyone has been asking me that.

I starts to pull away, regretting ever doing anything with him. But he just pushes me harder against the door "answer me!" He says getting a little louder.

Answer me. That's what Draco said. He told me to answer him. Hear we go. The waterworks. The flashbacks. The numbness.

He just looks at me as tears flow down my cheeks. "Emma..." he says softly, in a somewhat comforting voice. But I just get angrier. Why the fuck is everyone giving me there pity?!

"You know what! No! You don't get to act like your all concerned for me! Ok?! Everyone keeps giving me there fucking pity! I'm tired of it! I'm tired of people using me! People lying to me! I just fucking can't anymore!" I say breaking down at my last couple words.

I fall the the ground.

Mattheo just holds me, rubbing my back, trying to soothe me. "Mattheo?" I say catching my breath, pulling away from him so we're are looking at each other. He wipes my tears and let's me continue "h-he....he touched me..." I say my voice in so much of a whisper that I didn't think he could hear me.

He just look at me, and I think I saw tears slightly forming in his eyes. "Wha- what do you mean, Emma?" He says, his voice cracking at the end.

"He...took me into a c-classroom and he took off my..clothes and he-" was all I could get out before Mattheo pulled me into a tight hug. A very needed hug....

When we pulled away, all he did was look at me. He gives me a peck on the lips before pulling us up and leading us out of the classroom.

Before I know it we are in his dorm. He locks the door. I wonder what going on. He order me to sit on the bed so I do. What is he doing?

" Take off your clothes" I hear him say. I look at him as if he has gone mad. "Emma.... I need to make sure of something. Just take off your clothes"

I slowly start taking off my clothes. I see him looking at every part of my body. I'm enjoying this.

"Sit" he says. I sit.

He walks up to me, and grabs my chin, making me look into his eyes. His beautiful hazel eyes.

"Did he use a condom?" I shake my head. He looks down sighing. He take his finger and traces it over the hickeys Draco left. "He did this?" I nod. Not being able to say anything else, because I have an extremely hot man putting his hands all over my half naked body.

He looks at me and I see one thing.....lust.

How do I tell him. I've never had a proper first time. My first time being Draco.