Saving L

Chapter 13

TW* trigger warming

Narrator:
Lottie woke up the next day with a new attitude, her numb one. It was the only way she could cope with it all, at least for now. She only needs herself because she can't hurt herself and others aren't reliable, but we all know it hurts ever so more being alone. I the narrator know she still cares deeply for him, so it has really all come down to him, what he does, what he says, if he fights for her. Unless she's already too set back in her old ways.

Lottie pov:
I've agreed to meet Lando in his hotel room to talk. I think I know what my decision is, but I know one thing for sure, I won't let myself get hurt. I can't let myself get hurt again. I have Karis that's all I need, she gets me and doesn't hurt me. As I walk up to his door all I can hear in my head is, don't get hurt, don't get hurt, don't get hurt. You could say negativity had taken over my mind, or maybe a fear of what was to come. He must have been looking through the spy hole in the door because as soon as I reached it he opened it. Without haste or hesitation it seemed to fly open, not giving time for it to all settle in.
"L so glad you came" He smiled with warmth but my exterior was too hard for it to reach me inside, but boy do I wish it did, I wish I always had his smile to brighten up my life. That isn't realistic though.
"We aren't back to you doubting I'll turn up now are we?" I say thinking back to our first date, the memory making me forget it all for a moment, feeling the bliss of what has been.
"No it's just, well you know, big media blow ups aren't fun, but anyways come in" He's right they aren't fun, at least I was allowed to do media pit interviews again, but you could say that was the least of my issues.
"Took you long enough to invite me in" I tease trying to act normal, even though I couldn't feel further away from it. I wonder if he knows, if he can feel it too.

"I missed you, I hated that I wasn't allowed to speak to you for a day" He blurted out but I didn't respond I just made my way to his bed. Thinking of that was why he didn't respond. "So how's it been for you since it all came out?" he asked after I had sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Not great sky sidelined me as they didn't want me to take all of the attention away, but at least it's only meant to be for this weekend" I wondered if he could hear how drained this whole situation had made me feel.
"Mclaren were more worried about being accused of using sky to get information about other teams" I guessed they would be, why was it even a guess, it should have been a definite. Before I had finished thinking he spoke again. "Lottie I have something to tell you," he took a deep breath, probably to try funnel out the awkward feeling that filled the room, "I really like you, our time spent together is magical, I know it's a difficult situation because of our jobs, but we can just be careful and keep it a secret, I guess I'm trying to say do you want to be my girlfriend." I felt bad for Lando as I couldn't tell how long I had sat there in shock, did he know what he was asking me. What he was confessing. He must have hated the silence as he added "I know it's a lot to consider, you can take your time" Or maybe he just was trying to reflect the pain of my lack of joy at his words. As he spoke he looked right into my eyes as though he was looking through them to my soul as I was drowning in the piercing blue of his. In that moment I could swear some sort of magnetic source was pulling us together as he seemed to move ever close with his eyes never leaving mine. An electric sensation coursed through my veins as he moved his hand up to touch my face, caressing my cheek. Seconds seem to turn to hours. His gaze moved to my lips, and I could see the glint of hunger in his eyes, he too must have imagined what it would feel like to kiss me. It was all so perfect and serene, until it hit me. Like a bullet to my brain. If I do this I can't go back, I can't control the pain and the feelings. I,I, I can't do this.
"Lando," it comes out barely as a breathy whisper.
"Yes," He whispers back.
"I can't do this," his eyes moved to meet mine again and it's like heartbreak had been written across his face. I ran out of the room as fast as I could and along to my own. What have I just done? I ask myself, knowing how I was falling in love with him. It hit me again. Like a second bullet to my brain. Floods of tears started streaming out of my eyes as pain filled my chest. I knew it all so familiarly. That need for release. Just as I had pushed him away it had returned.

Some people will never understand what it's like to wanna cut yourself. They will never experience that burning desire, or the weight of the emotions. They will never be haunted by the fear or scars, and I would never wish it upon them.
The urge comes in three different ways, each as unpleasant, each scaring as deeply as the rest.

The first way, fear. You wouldn't think an urge would present itself in that way but it my god it does. You fear what your mind is telling you to do to yourself, the fear of seeing that scar and knowing what it means, the fear of yourself. Despite that fear you still do it, you cave in, finding that release in the piercing of your skin, but it makes you feel worse after. You loathe your actions, feeling an aching in your heart. What have you done to yourself?

Habit is the second. You can't seem to function without it, you rely on the pain, approaching each day with a goal. It's the hardest to break, knowing you shall suffer with and without it, knowing it is truly now a part of you.

Third is emotion. Those silly negative emotions. That anger which turns to sadness builds you up to a need of release. A need for reason to feel, a sort of comfort despite it being pain. It becomes control, you feel in control of those emotions as you are causing the pain, not an anger or sadness provoked by something, you are in control. This time it was control, I needed to release the pain and control how I felt. I just broke two hearts and for what. For me to go to my room and be consumed by the emotions of it all. How pathetic am I?

As soon as I shut my door I fall to the floor, pain being all I feel, pain and anger. I need control. Like a baby I crawl over to my bag, I know it's in there I can't function if it's not. Once it's in my hand I pull down the side of my joggers and place it on my skin, dragging it along, loving the pain. I am in control. As nice as that feeling is, it never lasts long. The guilt and hate floods in as I know what I've done, what I'm doing but I can't stop not yet, I haven't seen enough blood.

Narrator:
Once satisfied Lottie stopped harming herself and moved to lying crawled up being consumed by thoughts. Had she made the right choice? She's just back to her life before surely? But is before even possible? she knew he had changed her forever.

You would think from all this pain she would have chosen him, but no. Her mind is complex and some of you may never understand.

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It's all come truely down, we will see what Lando thinks of it all next. What's that ? A Lando pov on the way!!!!! Love yous xx